Antsy Annie

I've been a bit on edge for the last couple of weeks. I could just feel change in the air...still can. I was waiting for notification from the grad program I applied to, and thinking about changing careers and moving. But the latter depended on the former. If accepted to the program, the tuition would essentially be free except for the tax liability of the benefit. Which means changing jobs would not be happening any time soon. I was pretty much planning to move to another apartment regardless b/c I just need a change and it's just not peaceful where I currently live any more. But the location was up in the air.

On Friday I received an acceptance notification email which noted that my official acceptance materials would be mailed within a week. I'm so very excited and also very nervous. Classes start in about 3 weeks and I'm anxious to get my other materials so I can register for classes and find out my exact tax liability. Then I need to give my landlord 60 days notice (am month-to-month), look for an apartment, etc. To me it makes sense to move closer to work/school so that's the plan for now.

I need to just concentrate on not driving myself nuts for now!

Drowning

This is one of those days where I feel super overwelmed at work. Everybody wants everything NOW and they seem to think that we're purposely 'making them wait.' Take a number mofo b/c everybody seems to be having a 'crisis' right now!

 

It sucks when you feel that you're doing the best you can and it's nowhere near enough. *sigh*

Keeping Up Appearances

It's one thing to avoid discussing the intimate details of your relationship but it's something totally different to promote your relationship as perfect or your man as the 2nd coming of Jesus. I'm a fan of keeping your relationship business between yourself and your man but I can't cosign that other stuff.

I have a friend who recently got out of a relationship. As far as I could tell they were good together and seemed happy. My friend told me that they talked about marriage and having a future together. He's an entrepreneur, buys her nice things, and treats her well. He's a divorced father of 1 but had adopted his stepdaughter and treated her as his own so really a father of 2. I've been around him and he seemed like a nice guy...and if a friend is happy then I'm all about it.

The last few months of the relationship I could tell she wasn't happy any more and she said they weren't going to make it. He ended up breaking up with her because he needed to "get himself together." She still let him smash They played the back and forth game for a couple of months following the break-up. She eventually moves on to another guy and several months later the ex "heard that she moved on" and wanted to reconcile. Unfortunately for him the new guy she's with wants the same things she does and is so wonderful that she couldn't see herself getting that old thing back.

Suddenly the ex is the scum of the earth: he has 4 kids w/ multiple women (I'm still confused about how many are biological, or he THOUGHT were his until paternity tests proved otherwise, or 'adopted' from previous relationships), unemployed, lives with mom, is adamant that he doesn't want more children, and isn't legally divorced. Are we still talking about the same dude???

My question is why a childless woman who wants kids ANY woman would be with a man for a whole year knowing all of that? And why was she the Spliff Star to his Busta Rhymes? She hyped him up to be the best thing since sliced bread when he is messier than a mofo! And HE had to be the one to break up with HER?

I wonder what the latest guy's story will become when if they break up?

More Random Thoughts

I wake up every day without stress. I have everything I need and some of what I want. Things are just calm, peaceful and...easy. I can't even fathom allowing anybody or anything crazy or unstable to invade my space. That's just so far from normal to me. I think that's why I have unintentionally distanced myself from certain friends lately. They just have too much going on and they were messing with my 'chi' or something.

I'm a bit of a light sleeper. I need complete silence and darkness in order to fall asleep. Once I'm asleep it takes a little effort to wake me up though.

I'm growing out my relaxer. It's been about 3 months since my last one and my scalp is finally starting to really heal. I have had minimal dandruff/patchiness that was caused by the relaxer so I'm just not going back to that.

I'm such a bad pet owner. My cat is in heat and I should've gotten her spayed months ago. She keeps 'backing it up' on my bookcase (and table legs) and whining/growling. I feel so bad for her and I need to get her taken care of asap.

Mr. ____ looked me up on Facebook and sent a LONG msg declaring that I must still have feelings for him and shouldn't block them so we can make it work. I've made no attempts to contact this man in weeks. I don't know what 'feelings' he's talking about. One of my friends went to undergrad w/ him and swore that he was so nice and is all shocked that he's crazy. I always hoped to never run into a guy who just couldn't accept that I didn't feel the way he did but I guess my luck has run out.

That was strike two. I've told him not to contact me again. If he does I'm calling my stepdad & an uncle who doesn't mind going to jail. I'm sure they can make him understand what 'leave me alone' means.

If you have 4 children and ALL of them grew up to be failures then you probably sucked as a parent.

I haven't heard from my 'father' since around the time that we met last year and I have no idea where he is. I don't feel like I expected anything to come of that meeting but he'd better not ever contact me again.

I should probably rename this "Brain Dump."

Random Thoughts

There are a few things I'm working on in my personal life but overall I'm content with life right now.

I wish Sarah Palin would just go away.

Even Bill O'Reilly isn't riding with this "Birther Movement" crap...wtf???

President Obama is still a Black man who knows that just as Mr. Gates was arrested in his own home the same could happen to him. He had every right to call that cop's actions STUPID!

Two men were sentenced the other day for a home invasion in which they raped a woman in her home then went to the ATM and withdrew money from her accounts. They had originally attempted to rob her younger brother on the street and he had the bright idea to direct a total of four men to his sister's home for money, where they proceeded to rape her. Most men would die before they'd bring anybody with guns to their sister's home. This, among many other stories in the news lately just saddens me and makes me fearful for my safety.

I canceled my gym membership. I don't see any reason to pay them just so I can walk. This is something I can (and have been) do outdoors at least until October.

My spelling sucks. The spell checker has caught an error in nearly every paragraph above. My web browser @ work doesn't have this function so I can only imagine how badly I spell on Twitter or when I comment on blogs during the day!

I have to get 4 fillings on Friday (sad face). This is the first time I've had cavities since I was like, 5!

I only wear heels when I go out. Otherwise I almost always wear flats b/c heels hurt my feet.

Holding Myself Accountable

It seems like all it takes is one thing to knock me off my game. In 2002 it was the close of summer break and heading back to college that did it. I eventually got back on the wagon in 2004 but in 2005 graduation and moving back to Philly was the culprit. In 2006-2007 I don't even remember what it was. This year it has been a knee injury. I just can't seem to stick with this healthy living thing for more than 6-12 months at a time. That internal "thing" that pushes me to work out regularly just slowly evaporates and all it takes is one little wrinkle in the plan to extinguish the flame.

It's been two months since my "20 lbs RIP" post. Since then I had more pain from my knee which sidelined me from running and any exercise that requires bending it too much. Over the past 2-3 weeks I've not had much pain so I've started walking more but I don't feel as enthusiastic as I did just 2 months ago. I'm sort of just coasting along...doing just enough to maintain my current weight basically. I'm happy that I'm only 3 lbs up from my "20 lbs RIP" weight b/c in the past when I've fallen off I easily gained back 10 lbs within two months.

I have followed several people's weight loss journeys on different blogs and Youtube. For the most part these have been people who have had more than 50 lbs to lose that worked to do it the healthy way. Of course losing 60-70 pounds takes time and hard work. I wonder why it's so hard for me stay the course when I don't have that much weight to lose? I guess the key is to never lose sight of the goal. I'm not totally off the wagon but I do feel myself slipping.

It's time to start over again...15lbs to go.

What Really Matters

I can remember being a first grader and complaining to the teacher that I couldn't see the blackboard. So Mrs. Schnell moved me to a seat in the front row but I still had trouble making out the letters on the board. She ended up talking to my mother which landed me in the optometrist's office with a quickness. I was on the state health insurance which = ugly glasses bigger than my face for a long time. If that wasn't bad enough, we didn't have much money so I didn't get to wear the Guess jeans and have new sneakers every month like the other kids. Our house was across the street from the projects so I went to school w/ those kids. Thinking about what it means to be poor, I have absolutely no idea how a lot of those kids had such nice clothes.

So not only did I wear big ass glasses but I didn't have much clothing at all really. I sometimes had to rotate the same stuff more than once in a given week. I can remember one day in 6th grade when I got to school and sat down at my desk and girl A looked at me and then told girl B "you were right." Later in the day another girl informed me that girl B made a bet that I would wear a certain pair of shorts that day...and apparently she was right. Wearing big glasses, wack clothes, being smart and well-behaved = outcast.

I don't think I owned any brand-name clothing until 10th grade when I got my first job at a construction company vacuuming offices. I finally understood why my mom refused to buy that stuff because it really sucked to work two weeks and have nothing left in my check after only buying two pairs of jeans. I don't like to hold on to things from grade school b/c I'm sure that everyone has a story. But I guess some things have stuck with me. I'm really sensitive to people thinking they're better than others because of what they have or appear to have. The high value that people place on certain things is just bizarre to me. It doesn't take much materially for me to be satisfied. I don't need a closet full of clothes, shoes, etc...I can only wear one thing at a time anyway.

In the grand scheme of things my life was just fine when I was coming up. I always had a roof over my head, food to eat, glasses so I could see (lol), was loved and never physically or emotionally abused. That's all I could really ask for.

What da Bloodclot?!

I went out for drinks with two friends in Center City. One rode in my car and the other met us there. At the end of the night we dropped her off at her car because she ended up parking kind of far from the spot and it was late. She gets out of the car and I since I don't pull off until I see you get inside your house or car, I wait. This 1980's Astro van pulls up behind me and immediately starts beeping. They didn't even wait the requisite 5 seconds! It was a little one way street but I was holding up traffic for the amount of time it takes someone to hop out of one car and into another - keys already in hand.

The friend gets into her car and I start driving. I reach a stop sign and the van starts beeping again. As I'm making a left onto another little one way street the van pulls up on my right and is making a left beside me...on a tiny one way street...at an intersection. They try to cut in front of me but I guess their dumb ass wasn't quick enough which must've made them mad. A couple of blocks away the street opened up to two lanes and they finally got around me. They stopped the van and jumped out all Billy Bad Ass. It was a big old man and some crackish looking broad talking about "what da bloodclot" and we're like oh hell no we're not about to fight Jamaicans! My instinct was to mash the gas and they backed the hell up...still talking shit mind you LOL. They got back in the van and peeled off. I was so relieved that I didn't have to run anybody over that night.

Stalker Free Zone

Yesterday I found an envelope in my mailbox with a return address that I didn't recognize and no name. My first thought was who's getting married? When I opened it sure enough it was an invitation but not to a wedding. It read, "The honor of your presence is requested to share an evening of fine cuisine & stimulating conversation with Mr. _____." There was a part at the end that read, "release your heart & feelings too just as I will do for you." This is after I already told Mr. ____ that I don't have feelings for him and do not want to pursue a relationship. I could tell that he even sprayed the invite with his cologne.

After our last "feelings" conversation he had asked for my address because he was "saving all his contacts' addresses in his new phone." I thought what the hell does he need my address for and ignored the text. He's been to my apartment before so it wasn't that hard to figure it out but still...I already told you I wasn't interested in taking things further so wtf are you doing? I called him and clarified in case I wasn't clear enough and he said he finally got the point. This morning he sends me a 6 part heart felt text message...and I'm thinking what do you want me to say? We dated for a month and some change...you would think we just ended a 3 year relationship or something! He made me feel like I really crushed his soul or something.

Hopefully this is the end of it.

R.I.P. MJ