K-unwrapped

2011-12-27T20:27:00.000-05:00

On Friday I wake up to my phone ringing at 6:30am and it's my mom. My heart is racing because I just KNOW somebody done died if she's calling ME that early. I pick up and she tells me that my uncle had some kind of accident at work that left him with severe nitrogen oxide burns; he had to be resuscitated, and now he's on life support w/o any brain activity and they don't know if he's gonna make it. She sounds very upset - this is her baby brother after all - which in turn makes me very upset. My other uncle passed away suddenly just one year ago from stomach cancer that nobody knew he had, so this is especially tough.

I'm going to admit that I'm not much of a religious person but I start to pray that he just makes it through this. He's only 44 years old and means a lot to all of us. He's that uncle that you can call if you're in any kind of need and he'll do what ever it takes to be there. He's knocked out a few guys who made the mistake of thinking it was okay to put their hands on any of the women in our family.

Throughout the morning I stay on the phone with my mom and aunt to stay updated on his status. All morning they were saying that he was breathing but not responsive with little to no brain activity. They end up transferring him to the burn unit at another hospital better suited for his medical needs. By the time I arrive and finally get to see him he IS responsive but still out if it because of the morphine. It's so HARD to see him this way with tubes and IVs all over the place. It doesn't take long for him to start acting like himself: STUBBORN as hell. He's trying to get out of the bed and clearly does not want to be in the hospital. One of his *ahem* lady friends calms him down and I feel a lot better because it seems that he's going to make it.

Today my mom, sister, and brother went to visit him again and he's doing much, much better. Most of the tubes are gone and he's fussing about the food, nurse treatment, and wanting to get the F outta that hospital, lol. Yup, he's back! He has a long road to recovery but that is quite all right. We're just glad he's here.

-----------------------------------
Christmas was pretty awesome. I spent Christmas day whooping my mom, her hubby, and his friend in Monopoly. My mom cooked an awesome dinner and I loved all my gifts.

My Hurr

2011-12-27T00:43:00.000-05:00

I've officially been natural for almost 6 months yet it feels like I have been natural forever. Weird. I've taken pictures here and there but haven't really officially documented this journey; partly because I didn't want to make a big deal out of it and didn't want people's opinions about what I should or shouldn't do with my hair.

Below is my first amateur video update on my hair.

*my last relaxer was July 1, 2010 and I big chopped July 9th 2011 (or 19th, I forgot)*

**I don't think that first bob pic is from Jan 2009 - methinks my hair doesn't grow THAT fast but I'm not editing this video again!**

Keith

2011-12-22T01:42:00.002-05:00

I don’t know what it was about this dude. I met him my junior year of high school at the Gallery (mall). <Insert wavy lines> My friend Rosie and I are shopping for last minute Christmas gifts. We are actually done shopping and are scurrying through Kmart because it’s the shortcut to the subway. “Excuse me can I talk to you for a second?” I turn around and see a fine ass tall brown-skinned guy with this beard that I just love. It reminds me of how Gerald Levert’s looks – full yet neatly trimmed, giving him a very manly appearance. After confirming that he was indeed talking to me we chat for a few minutes and I give him my number. That year I had transferred to one of the few vocational/technical high schools in Philly. It turns out that he was a senior at the other well-known vo/tech high school in North Philly where he lived.

I waited a week or so for the phone to ring then chalked it. A couple of weeks later he finally calls me and we talk for hours. I find out that he has a girlfriend but they’re in the process of breaking up, so I place him in the friend zone. Our relationship consists mostly of us sitting on the phone for hours. After a few weeks he breaks up with his girlfriend and we begin to date. With him living in North and me in Southwest Philly, both car-less, we talk for months before seeing each other again. Back then seeing each other = him coming to my house and eating dinner with the family or us going to the movies.

Over the next few months we spend more time together. After months of this routine he tells me that he’s not ready for a girlfriend and I put him back in the friend zone. I really like him though. He’s the first boy I can really talk to about any and everything and I feel like he “gets” me.

Eventually I left for college but we kept in touch and remained friends. I had met and dated others in college but nobody worth writing about. At some point during my junior year our conversations shifted from “friends” to talk of the future. He told me that he still wasn’t ready for a relationship but he’d wait for me to finish school and when I came home we’d be together. And I ate that shit up. In my mind we’d gotten closer over the years and I definitely had more than “friendly” feelings for him. Somewhere along the way “like” turned to love.

A few months after his declaration of intent he informed me that he had a new girlfriend. And she’d been in the picture for months but he finally decided to tell me. So much for not being “ready,” huh? He’d been a part of my life for four years and I’d never felt the way I felt about him for any other guy so although I “tried” to let go I couldn’t. I played the background and eventually (read: my senior year) he broke up with old girl and I thought it was finally my turn. But of course since he’d just gotten out of a relationship, he needed time to heal and he wasn’t “ready” for anything serious right away. Oh but as soon as he was ready, I was the one. Until I wasn’t. He informed me that he had a new girlfriend. Again. And that was the end of that.

Throughout those years I had dated and kept my options open but nothing had ever gotten serious. That whole ordeal was very painful for late teen/early twenties me. There were lots of ups and downs with him. I really did believe he loved me, like he’d said so many times, and so I kept holding on even after he chose someone else. That whole ordeal left me feeling like I wasn’t good enough. What did those other chicks have that I didn’t? As much as people who cared about me tried to assure me that he was just a selfish asshole, I really internalized that rejection for a long time. It wasn’t just because of him but also that I had wanted a relationship all that time and never found it with anyone else either. For a while even after he got with the second girl and I walked away for good, a part of me still had hope that they’d break up and he’d come for me. I think I finally let those thoughts go when they got engaged. He's Just Not That into You was written with me in mind.

I was bitter about this ordeal for a few years which spilled over into other situations when I dated other guys. I definitely had a pattern that I’ll talk about in another blog because this one is long enough already. I became super cautious and any time a guy seemed to waver AT ALL after dating for a while I dropped him immediately because I didn’t want to waste time with someone who…wasn’t that into me. Many times that was the best thing for me and I definitely learned to value myself much more. Other times it was all about being defensive rather than just dating, getting to know someone, and living in the moment.

Balance is key.

Mixed Bag

2011-12-10T14:04:00.001-05:00

I have so many blog posts in my head but haven't had the time and/or energy to actually write them.

I finished Get Your Money Straight and made myself a little action plan. One big goal I have is to buy a house in spring/summer 2013. In order to do it the way I want to do it I need to increase my income, reduce expenses, pay down debt, and save up a down payment. I just finished my Master's and have been submitting my resume for jobs that will help me achieve the first goal, so I'm not too worried about that one. As for reducing expenses, I've stopped driving to work and am now taking Septa, which will be big savings because since I work @ a University I had to pay for parking - not to mention gas and wear and tear on my car. A phone call to Comcast got $30 knocked off of my bill without changing any services, and I have reigned in my discretionary spending. I'm only allowed to spend X per week and I've been sticking to it. These changes weren't very significant or painful yet they will make a difference.

In other news I'm so over this weight loss thing. This may just be frustration talking, but for now I am through with calorie counting and stressing about this sh*t. The only thing I am focused on at this point is making exercise a routine part of my day much in the way that I HAVE to go to work - I have to get some exercise. Instead of heading straight to the gym after work like I'd been doing 3-4x a week, I've switched to morning workouts. So this week and last week I woke up an hour early to go do 40-45 minutes of cardio at the fitness center @ my apartment complex a couple blocks away. After that I just come home shower, and head to work. This has been working out wonderfully because I can just go about my day without trying to motivate myself to work out after work. Plus I was getting home from the gym around 8pm a lot and that just pretty much kills my evening. So I did the morning workout thing 3x/week but starting next week my goal is to do this Monday-Friday. As far as diet, I will continue to eat healthy 90% of the time but no more counting or stressing about it, and no more scale. I wanted to get to a certain weight but it seems that for ME it requires way more effort and stress than I'm willing to give, so I'm fine where I am.

I will get those other blog posts up this weekend if it kills me!

Revisiting: Girl, Get Your Money Straight!

2011-12-01T13:45:00.000-05:00

I bought and read Girl, Get Your Money Straight: A Sister's Guide to Healing Your Bank Account and Funding Your Dreams in 7 Simple Steps in 2006, I believe. Over the weekend I decided to pick it back up because I have some financial goals in mind and figured that this would be a good resource. About halfway through the book I'm realizing that I didn't use the book the way I should have in 06 and I almost feel like this is my first time reading it.

It takes the author, Glinda Bridgforth, quite a while to get to the actual "7 steps," but partially for good reason. In part one of the book there's an exercise where she asks you to list family members by name and then describe that person's beliefs and behaviors regarding money and think about how they've influenced you. Sometimes I think that exercises found in books are a little cheesy but I did it anyway and I learned some things. I don't have my notebook with me but I distinctly remember my mom having that hole-in-the-pocket syndrome. You know that saying about money will burn a hole in your pocket if you don't spend it? Yeah, I totally inherited that. Whatever money is left in my checking account after the bills get paid gets spent. Every dime. Is it a coincidence that I have JUST enough money left over to supply my needs until I get my next paycheck? I think not.

In the next section she begins to break down the first of the "7 steps" which is about defining goals that speak to your heart and taking action to bring them to fruition. She takes it a step further and asks if you have your goals written down so that they're visible DAILY along with action steps to reach those goals. At the end of the day you have to ask yourself, what did I do today that will bring me closer to reaching my goals? I'm starting to think about that in everything that I do. If I say that I want to lose 25 lbs but at lunch time I'm choosing to eat a 1000 calorie burrito - how does that help me reach my goal? If I want to save $X by the 6/30/12 what actions am I willing to take to make that happen on a daily basis? Spending excess money on things that I don't need surely won't get me there.

So far I have written down my goals and a number of action items underneath each that will help me achieve them. Of course this is nothing new. The concept of writing down your goals and setting benchmarks for yourself isn't groundbreaking but this is a great read. That's all for now but I'll have more to say about it as I continue reading.

Losing Weight is Hard

2011-11-29T11:16:00.001-05:00

Duh right? But it really, really is. It requires dedication and consistency over a long period of time (if done healthily) in order to succeed. I've been stalled for weeks now as I seem to keep going up and down with the same 3-5 lbs.

Last week was a big fat fail in the fitness department. I only worked out once and I ate like a pig on Thanksgiving (hope you all had a wonderful T-Day - I sure did) and really through the rest of the weekend. Last week Mackenzie (my physical therapist) had me do a 10 minute jogging/walking drill on the treadmill to get my knees used to running again. Me being me, I got froggy and decided that since that felt great I could do even more for my next work out. So on Wednesday I did a 30 minute jog/walk interval alternating .25 miles walking and .25 jogging. It felt great at the time but my knees - especially the problematic right one - have been pretty sore ever since. I have PT today and will talk to her about it but clearly I shouldn't have run like that just yet. While I can't control my injury I can control what I put into my mouth and I will do better.

I saw this forum post on My Fitness Pal that I printed out and placed on my fridge a few months ago (edited for my purposes of course) and it was just what I needed to read this morning:

There is a little secret to my success.

What I do is keep going.

I keep going when I know I could have done better.

I keep going when life pushes me to have comfort food.

I keep going after I have eaten out.

I keep going when my muscles are so sore I don't even want to get out of bed.

I keep going when I have a confrontation with a family member or I hear really depressing news.

I just keep going.

That's what works.

I would tell the world but they would not believe me, demanding me to tell them what I REALLY did to lose weight. So, I am telling friends the secret I've been using: I just keep going.

If you follow the plan you will reach your destination. We all want to get there in a Porshe, SO FAST, but all we have is a bike or our legs to get us there. I have also had days where I've GAINED 1.2 pounds in one week but did I give up? NO! When I have a bad week I tell myself a good week is eventually coming my way.

KEEP GOING YOU CAN DO IT!!

Fitness Update

2011-11-19T09:15:00.001-05:00

I'd been pretty stalled for 2.5 weeks or so in the weight loss dept. Between that week of vacation and then a week of being sick, I regained about 5 lbs.

This week I got back into my routine of healthy eating (kinda), counting calories, and exercising 4x a week which resulted in a 3 lb loss. My metabolism must be picking up from the exercise because I actually didn't eat *that* great this week. I went to this Indian buffet for lunch w/ the coworkers (but I didn't go back for seconds) and I ate falafel pitas twice this week. I estimate those pitas to be about 700 cals each and the buffet to be 1000 when my daily budget for weight loss is only 1500! So for three days I ate 1800-2300 calories yet still saw a loss on the scale. I did however step it up in the gym. Instead of doing 30-40 mins of cardio like before, I'm doing 45-60. Plus I'm still doing strength training on my own and with my physical therapist Mackenzie for my knee pain (Patella Femoral Pain Syndrome).

Starting Sunday I'm going to step it up in the food dept. I've made myself a meal plan and shopping list for the week and will be preparing my meals for the week as well. I've found that I've eaten poorly on days when I just wasn't prepared; I went too many hours w/o eating and didn't keep healthy snacks on hand to hold me over while out and about which led to poor food choices.

The Broad Street Run is coming in May which is a 10 mile marathon and I REALLY want to do it. If I make good progress with my knee rehab Mackenzie thinks I can totally do it. I really hope so! Two of my friends are on board and we plan to start training in January. I haven't run in a while but the most I've ever run nonstop is about four miles so this is a challenge I'm totally looking forward to.

At any rate, 11 lbs down and 26 to go. I initially gave myself until May but it's time to step it up - new goal is March 1. I am giving up drinking until I hit my goal so yesterday was my last happy hour for a minute. I may have the occasional glass of wine but that's it.

Purge

2011-11-19T01:06:00.001-05:00

Everything happens for a reason. I've never really liked that phrase because it's usually said after something really bad happens. It implies that whatever horrible thing happened was supposed to and I can't really reconcile that. But I do believe that situations in life generally work out the way they're supposed to thus there's no sense in dwelling on things.

I decided that when I strarted blogging again it would be unfiltered like back in the day when I had the kieshaonline blog, ha. So I may write some things here that I would normally save for my journal. Speaking of which, I've been journaling since I was 17 and I'm almost 30 now. Through it all I would say that I've learned more about myself in the past two years or so than I ever have. That's what old age brings I suppose!

I'm not sure where I'm going with this but I'll just keep writing.

I've decided that I'm going to be happy no matter what.

I have often been too quick to accept blame or responsibility for things that were not my fault. For a long time I thought my not so wonderful relationship w/ my mom was my fault. I'm talking up until very recently. Now I see how she treats my siblings and how she's gotten brand new since the last re-marriage that it ain't me. And since coming to that realization I'm ok with the way things are b/c I can't control anybody's actions but mine.

I internalize a lot of shit that has nothing to do with me or my value as a person. Or maybe I should say used to.

I'm realizing that everyone goes through the same things that I do. Most people would probably say "duh" after reading that. But I've taken disappointments in life much harder than I should've. No mas.

On Oprah's Life Class the other day she said that forgiveness means letting go of the belief that the past could've been any different. Blew my mind. For me this resonated in terms of regrets and not just forgiveness. I haven't lived long enough to have any real regrets but I've dwelled on a lot of things in the past that were just out of my control. I was living with these If/Then statements. If _______ had worked out the way I wanted then I'd be happy. Illogical at best.

I'm getting to be more comfortable in my own skin in a way that I never have before. I'm happy with the decisions I've made and how my life has turned out and I wouldn't go back to change a thing.

Randoms

2011-11-09T23:56:00.001-05:00

I've had a cold for the past week that's been trying to kick my butt. I feel fine physically today but this whooping cough? Not hot. I haven't been to the gym all week because I don't want to be THAT person in the gym spreading their germs everywhere. Boo.

I like the idea of "protective styling" my hair but most of the time I don't think those styles are that cute, and sometimes make you look 10 years older. I've pinned my twists up in a cute way but it's not my favorite style. This probably makes sense to no one but me.

Penn State students and koolaide drinkers are REALLY annoying. A grown man witnesses another grown man RAPING a boy and does nothing but runteldat to everybody BUT the police. He doesn't try to intervene, and the people he does tell, including his boss, his bosses boss, etc. don't see fit to alert the authorities. It gets to the point where the perpetrator is just told that he can't bring boys on campus anymore and Paterno, Spanier, et al are claiming that they didn't know what was going on. Really? They are lucky if FIRED is all they get. People are acting like some great injustice is being done to them and don't seem to care about the fact that if they'd acted appropriately, fewer children would've been harmed. A part of me wonders if this would be viewed differently if the victims were female instead of male. I almost feel like society downplays child molestation especially when it's done to boys.

It amazes me that people will find a way to rationalize anything under the sun if it's something that they really want to do...or get away with doing.

I was sad to hear about Heavy D's untimely death. I took a mean ass whooping for calling that video music channel The Box and ordering "Somebody for Me" three too many times and it showed up on the cable bill back in the day. He was definitely one of my favorite artists. Gone too soon.

Lately I've been feeling kinda mid-life (1/3rd life?) crisis-ish. This is cliche as hell but I am utterly and completely over going out and partying, dating, getting handcuffed in DC (sigh), drinking, etc. I just want to chill out, find a companion, and settle down, like yesterday.

Mini Twists

2011-11-05T15:18:00.001-04:00

This is my first mini twist attempt. It took 5 hrs but if I can make these last at least 2 weeks then it'll be worth it!

[B]ermuda, [B]ahama, Come on Pretty Mama...

2011-11-04T01:44:00.004-04:00

I got back from the cruise this morning and mostly relaxed all day. It was an awesome trip! The ship sailed out of Baltimore and reached [B]ermuda in about 2 days, docked there for another 1.5, and sailed back for the last 1.5 or so. I would definitely cruise again but next time it would have to be out of Florida because it was cold for the first couple of days which meant no kicking it on the deck of the ship. There were lots of fun activities on the ship though, my favorite being the 70's Halloween party. There was also lots of food, drinks, fun and laughter!

I would absolutely visit B.ermuda again...I'd actually fly there and stay for a few days. It's such a beautiful island and definitely has a distinctive character compared to other Caribbean islands. Bermudans are super friendly and helpful. And let me tell you, they have money! We took a bus from the dock yard to the beach and later to Hamilton city (the capitol). Along the way we met many awesome people who were happy to chat us up. One told us that a "low income" house in B.ermuda is 400k...as in USD. I haven't yet Googled to verify that claim but I can say for sure that everyone we encountered be they black, white, Indian, etc, were well dressed and well spoken. No homeless people, no beggars, nada. That CERTAINLY wasn't the case in [C]uba. I was expecting the locals to sound Jamaican-ish but they actually have very slight British accents. I realize that Jamaicans technically have B.ritish accents but it's very different in B.ermuda.

Here are a few pics but they are from my phone because I somehow managed to break my camera before we got off of the ship!

Getting a lesson so we could rent scooters...failed!

I'd rather drown, ha!


There were a LOT of churches

I was the Captain!

2011-10-28T13:56:00.001-04:00

I'm about to hop a train to the Baltimore area to kick it with some friends before we embark on our cruise to Bermuda tomorrow. The plan is to hit up some Halloween festivities in DC tonight which should be fun. I swear that I'm so mature but half the time I act like I'm 12 lol.

I've never been on a cruise before but I'm really looking forward to it. We plan to exercise while on the ship but other than that I'm not going to stress too much about what I eat or weight loss til I get back. I did have an epic loss of -2.2 lbs this week for a total of 13.4 😃

See ya next week!

That Doormat Life

2011-10-27T11:10:00.001-04:00

Someone wrote a post on a hair blog about her husband's reaction to her decision to go natural. She'd started growing out her perm and her husband expressed that he didn't like it but she kept going. Several months after she chopped her permed ends off her husband indicated, while she was pregnant, that they needed to split up because he doesn't like nappy hair, he's no longer attracted to her, and by not perming her hair she is not respecting his feelings. *screeeeeeetch* DJ stop the record!

The blog poster handled the issue with much grace. Instead of asking him if he needed help packing, as I would've surely done, she talked to him to try to get to the core of the issue. I'm sure she left plenty out of the story but she claims that they've reached a compromise wherein she agreed to wear less "nappy" hairstyles and now they're back in love and everything is peaches and rainbows. Mmhmm.

I was so disturbed by this story. I REALLY try to keep a positive attitude about men and relationships, but daaamn Gina! Sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder if in order to maintain a long term relationship with a man you have to learn to live in an alternate reality and/or learn to be a doormat. Most of the women I know in long term relationships are in ones that really should've ended a long time ago, in my opinion.

Let's say your man gets into a serious car accident and can't walk for a while. At the same time you've been together for two years and decide it's time to move in together. How convenient. You move in with him, nurse him back to health (while still working 10 hr days), give up all your free time to care for him, then 6 months later when he gets back on his feet he decides that he "needs some space" and wants you to move out? He wants to stay together of course, and he's gonna marry you, someday, but he's just not "ready" for the seriousness of this relationship right now. So you move out but claim y'all are still soooo in love. Really??? Instead of making excuses for him and trying to save face for the world, I would've completely spazed and that would've been the end of the relationship.

I heard someone say that all relationships reach a point where either they must move forward or end. I think the moving out was their "end" but this chick has accepted that doormat life and is holding on like he's the last man on earth. Yeah, I'm judging.

Back to the hair blog. The blog poster seems to think it's not a big deal that her hubby would threaten to leave her, while pregnant, basically for not doing what he says AND he indicated that his friend's wife is a better woman for perming her hair like her husband told her to. She's all "oh we reached a compromise and it's just hair." To me this all says that her husband is of poor character which is more than likely reflected in other ways but she has accepted it.

I can't count how many times I've asked a friend for advice about something in my relationship and her answer was to make excuses for some assholish mess. No thanks.

I guess what I'm struggling with is when to say when. It would be impossible to be in a serious relationship for the long haul and not have your significant other piss you off, say or do things that hurt you or make you want to punch them in the face and vice versa (not to be acted on of course). On one hand you don't want to be a doormat but on the other you don't want to walk away over something that can be worked out.

Yeah, that single life is looking mighty fine right about now.

It's Not Just Hair

2011-10-23T09:43:00.002-04:00

It's very interesting to me how people react to my hair in its natural state vs. straightened. In my mind these are just hairstyles but for others it seems like a big deal.

I haven't really gotten too creative with my hairstyles yet...I mostly just twist my hair when it's wet after washing and rock a twistout all week. When the twistout gets old I wear a puff. That's really it but you wouldn't think so if I let everyone else tell it. Every week @ work the same coworkers & friends are like "you hair is sooooo cute how'd you get it like that" or "you stay switching up your hairstyles." I really do appreciate the positive feedback...but my hair looks the same to me every week so when people comment on my hair I'm usually caught off guard b/c I guess I'm just used to seeing my hair every day.

It seems that I've been getting more attention these days from guys that I would actually want to talk to. That could partially be due to losing a few lbs too but who knows.

It's funny to me though when the dudes w/ the dreds are like "peace sista" - but when my hair is straight I gets none of that.

The funniest thing happened when I went to a bachelorette party a couple of months ago and the stripper asked me if I went to the Odunde festival...then gave me his number. My friend told me he's into girls w/natural hair and iDied @ the thought of the Afrocentric stripper. But no thanks sir.

Randoms

2011-10-23T09:12:00.001-04:00

I've been wide awake since 8am despite only going to sleep around 4:30am. I was watching Coffy on TVone lol.

Pam Grier was stunning back in her day #pause

I found the cutest little faux leather jacket @ Target for 40 bucks. It's very soft and doesn't look fake.

I'm just about ready for my cruise to Bermuda next week. Just waiting for the swimsuits I ordered online to arrive on Mon/Tues. Finding one in the stores in Oct is impossible.

I'm feeling better today.

Once I get to work tomorrow I'll probably be down again.

Am down 11 lbs so far since I restarted my health & fitness journey. About 27 lbs to go, which I hope to lose by my 30th bday on 5/13/12. I can do it.

My degree arrived in the mail on Friday...I can't believe I have a Master's now :-D

Now that I think about it, I'm not sure where my undergrad degree is.

I'm back in physical therapy for my knee...I hope to be able to get back to running by spring.

I met a cop yesterday...I thought he was pulling me over but he was asking me out LOL. We have a dinner date tomorrow.

I need to get my finances in order. After this vacay I shall be buckling down.

I woke up STARVING...time to eat.

The Be Vulnerable Campaign

2011-10-22T11:32:00.001-04:00

I always tell myself to never show signs of weakness. Just grin and bear it. Not really sure how or where I learned that that is the way to be but I am going to change.

About Me

2011-10-21T01:24:00.001-04:00

I need clearly defined boundaries in relationships and once they are defined I don't deviate.
I don't like to be vulnerable.
I have a big ah em...ego/quite a bit of pride.
Sometimes I feel like I'm always looking for something...I don't know what.
I rarely feel contentment.
I don't want to make big changes thinking that some outside thing will fulfill me internally...because I know that it just doesn't work that way. No matter where you go there you are.
Sometimes I think there's something wrong with me. What ever it is I just don't seem to be enough. Or maybe too much. Too boring, too fat, too quirky, too picky, too awkward, too imperfect, not smart enough, not kind enough, I don't know. I just don't know.

Titles are Overrated

2011-10-17T15:40:00.001-04:00

The weekend was pretty awesome. Friday I took my mom out for dinner then hung out w/ one of my girls from undergrad. On Saturday I went to my first Octoberfest shindig which was awesome. I don't drink beer so I had to be the one to show up w/ the Woodchuck cider LOL but that's my ish though. After that I was gonna go home but my friend invited me to Karaoke so we did that. It was a lot of fun! No I didn't get my hands on the mic but maybe next time lol. Sunday was a good old laundry-lazy-football type of day. The perfect kind of Sunday if you ask me.

I finally bothered to learn how to post and manipulate videos on Youtube. I'm toying with the idea of posting a vlog or two soon. We'll see.

I'm loving the iOS 5 update. iMessage really is no different from texting on the iPhone but as more people use it maybe text messaging plans will become obsolete. In one of the classes I took over the summer this would be called "disruptive innovation" - much like how the increased availabity of cell phones put phone companies out of business, maybe the prices of phone plans will drop dramatically over time. Or maybe it's just wishful thinking.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a little bit shallow. I apply that label to other people often but perhaps only because I am less shallow than them? I can safely say that I don't care about material things much at all. I joined Okcupid and PlentyofFish (dating sites) and most of the guys who hit me up on there have me looking at them like O_O and I just...can't. I do read their profiles and sometimes I think, damn, we'd probably be really compatible if I could get past those extra 70 lbs, chipped tooth, or the fact that you're only 5'5 and as pale as Casper. I'd like to believe that it's possible to be both physically attracted to each other and compatible...right?!

I met this weirdo guy when I was getting my tacos @ lunch today. Rather than pick up on the fact that I just was not interested in talking to him, his over-inflated ego told him that I must be shy because what woman wouldn't be receptive to his advances?! His opening line was "let me buy your lunch, I have money!" Yeah, no...I will pay for my own $5 tacos but thanks anyway. When my male coworker walked up he stepped off. I wanted to buy HIS lunch for the save.

Updates and Sh*t (2nd post today)

2011-10-03T13:36:00.000-04:00

For now I'm blogging again. I've been thinking about it for a few weeks and I really do miss it. Helps me sort some things out, so here we go.

Life

I finished grad school in August. *does the running man* Now I need to figure out what to do with my life, lol. I think I want to move to the DMV (again), I just need to look for and find a job there. There are a couple of "side" ventures I'm exploring too. We shall see how this goes. I don’t really have much else to say here…perhaps I should work on getting a life?

Hair

I finally went natural. I'd been going back and forth with that since I was a junior in college (2003ish). It wasn't really a burning desire but I knew that at some point I would stop relaxing my hair and I had a target age of around 25 in mind. So the last time I permed my hair was July 1, 2010 and I big chopped on July 19, 2011. It didn’t really SEEM like a big drastic cut because I was getting 2- inches or so cut off every 3-4 months as I transitioned. Transitioning was a biotch! I was getting my hair cut to keep my hair less than shoulder length to make it easier to manage but that just wasn’t enough. The tangling was RIDICULOUS and I just couldn’t take it sometimes. I went back and forth between going back to relaxed hair several times. The time it took to wash and style my hair while transitioning was at least twice what it was when my hair was permed and I was NOT feeling it. But I just didn’t want to go back to perms, nor did I want to get my hair pressed all the time because that leads to damaged hair, plus I like to be able to exercise.

So one day in July in a fit of frustration I just cut off my relaxed ends. What a relief it was! No more tangles, washing my hair was much easier, and it just looked tons better. Thanks to the lovely natural hair ladies of Youtube I’ve learned so much about how to style my hair, good products to use, and the like. I’ll post pics sometime this week.

At the core I’m a very simple girl and that won’t ever change. I wash, condition, detangle and twist my hair once a week. I rock my twistout for a few days then a puff. I can’t wait til my hair is long enough for a bun…

Fitness

I’m back on the health and fitness wagon again. Since early Aug I’ve been really watching what I eat and exercising consistently (3-4x/week). So far I’m down 9lbs which is good but I honestly thought I would’ve lost more by now as hard as I’ve been working. Oh well, I will keep pushing. I was weighing myself nearly every day for a while but I stopped obsessing over that. If the scale is my only motivation then what’s the point? I do this for the hood! LOL. No, but I’m really trying to focus on the “health” and “fitness” part. [My coworker just interrupted me as I’m typing this to ask about how my workouts are going. He claims that since I’m strength training I’m gaining muscle and throwing the scale off. I never really bought into that hype too much but we’ll see.]

Happy (cold ass) Monday!

Lessons from Jersey Shore

2011-10-03T12:11:00.001-04:00

I was catching up on Jersey Shore the other day (shut up!). This season they're in Italy for the summer. So on this one episode Snookie’s boyfriend Gianni comes to Italy to visit her. One night the group decides to go out to the club, as usual. While at the club Snookie being Snookie is on the dance floor shaking her ass, White Girl Wasted style. She lifts her leg up in front of Gianni and apparently isn’t wearing any panties, which pisses him all the way off. I don’t remember exactly how everything went down but basically he said she was acting like a whore and embarrassing him so he left the club and didn’t even want to speak to her.

Wait, rewind. I promise I have a point! Snookie and Gianni had been talking on the phone throughout the season and it seems that he’s had a problem with her behavior for a while. All the drinking, partying, and acting slutty doesn’t sit well with him. In his mind, if you are Gianni’s girlfriend you need to carry yourself in a more respectable manner. So with this whole showing the club her hoo-ha along with the other issues he’d just had enough. It seems like she is just not the type of girl that he would want to be with; yet he sticks around trying to control her in a passive-aggressive way to make her become the type of girl who doesn't embarrass him. I always wonder why people do this? Why get into a relationship with someone that clearly doesn’t share your core values and then spend the whole time trying to “fix” them? That’s so stupid to me! Then I realized I was totally guilty of the exact same thing with SP. Doh! Who’s stupid now?!

I think I just ignored some things and/or downplayed them thinking I could work around them. Part of it was that his representative was long and strong, lol. He knew what type if chick I was and that certain sh*t wasn’t going to fly with me (that’s the downside of meeting through mutual friends…he did his homework first). So he downplayed a number of things and finally he got tired of not being himself and let it ALL hang out. And that’s when all hell broke loose. Well it wasn’t that bad but I knew we just weren’t right for each other at all. Lesson learned. At this point I can say that we’re “cool” – we can shoot the sh*t from time to time and there’s no (more) hard feelings.

A couple of mutual friends are still holding out hope for us a whole year after we've broken up. Too bad so sad. If you have to do a bunch of shifting and changing in order for someone to fit into your life then I say just find someone else. Nobody should feel like they can't be themselves. If you're a drunken whore and you're happy with that, find someone on the same page as you, lol. Your SO should fit into your life fluidly - if they're truly right for you and vice versa.

Letting Go of...STUFF

2010-12-01T12:38:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I hold on to the most insignificant things. I can think about a minor slight months after it happened and still get a little upset about it. It's probably a case of taking myself too seriously and the other part of it is that I'm sensitive in general. When it comes to forgiving people for more significant issues that's certainly not happening and I find this limiting. In my mind only people of certain character do XYZ and despite any attempts at redemption or apologies all I can see is an ABC person who does XYZ. The fallacy here is that we all screw up or screw people over at some point, intentionally or not. But we would all like an opportunity to not be pegged as a bad person over one mistake, right? This isn't about anyone or anything in particular...just some thoughts.

Long Weekends FTW

2010-11-29T13:07:00.000-05:00

I had a great holiday weekend. Thanksgiving was excellent. I went over to my Mom's house for dinner of course b/c she always cooks. My aunt lives next door and she and my cousin cooked as well. The only thing I had to make was the mac n cheese...the fam loves my mac n cheese :) I made a point not to take home ANY leftovers b/c I don't need to 'eat like Thanksgiving' for 2-3 days. The highlight of the day was seeing my uncle who nobody had seen in like 10 years. I really don't remember him much b/c prior to that he was in jail for like my whole life. It was almost like meeting him for the first time. He's freaking hilarious though and I wish he'd been around all these years.

Friday night I hung out w/ a couple friends @ their apartment then we went to this little Mexican spot for margaritas & finger foods. Clearly I've been eating quite crappy this week! But fun was had so aaah well.

Saturday I did some shopping and hit up the Mac counter for help with achieving a smokey eye look. Later I went to a baby shower for my boss's daughter which turned out really well. I really wanted to go out after that but my hanging buddies were MIA and/or boo-loving with their SOs. On my way home from the shower I got the randomest call from one of my good friends from undergrad who now lives in Florida. He was in town for a wedding and wanted to hang out. So Saturday night was spent sitting up through the wee hours of the morning shooting the shit like we used to do back in undergrad. Topics included Black women not showing love in the club...N. Korea vs S. Korea...30-eve (you know, 28-29 year old angst lol), relationships, Lil Kim vs. Nicki Minaj, conspiracy theorists of the "9/11 was orchestrated by the US" variety, etc. I soooo miss the days of staying up til 4am just being goofy and downloading music on Napster (when it was free). People used to SWEAR we had something going on but it was just never like that. Good times.

Sunday I spent the whole day watching football. My Eagles fell to the Bears 31-26 but it's okay...even on a bad day they still put up 26 points. If our defense was on point we would have totally won that game.

The only downside to long weekends is that I usually can't fall asleep at my regular time on Sunday night...which means I wake up feeling like CRAP. Oooh I was so groggy this AM. Nothing that a caramel latte couldn't fix.

What a Gwan

2010-11-24T08:55:00.001-05:00

What's going on with me? Aside from the fact that Echo or whatever the hell it was called disappeared and took all of my old blog comments with it grrrr. Hmm...

The past year has just flown by so quickly. Once I finish this semester in a couple of weeks I only have two semesters left in my grad program, which I will complete by the end of next summer. It feels like just yesterday I was submitting my application and starting out with the process. For the most part the course work has been rewarding and I've met some great people that I'm sure I'll be friends with for a long time.

On the relationship front SP and I broke up. We mostly got along and I mostly enjoyed the relationship but at a certain point it became clear that he wasn't as serious about us as he claimed to be. I was there for him when he went thru some really tough times...just as things began to get better for him I went through some things and he wasn't there for me. It became clear to me at that point that I was wasting my time with him...love is an action word...you can say what you want but if I don't SEE it then I simply don't believe you. The breakup was so rough at first. I really gave 150% in that relationship but it was shit on. But I had to be real with myself...I saw certain things in him at the beginning of the relationship that displayed his immaturity that I chose to ignore. You live and you learn. Next.

(pausing because the cat is swatting at my hands as I type *sigh*)

That housewarming/engagement party I attended in Bmore a couple of posts back? The bad news is that they broke up. The good news is that the former bride-to-be and I are going to Miami next month :-D

Like a Virgin

2010-11-24T00:01:00.005-05:00

It seems that I treat this blog the same way I treat my personal journal...I think I pick that up once or twice a year these days too.

I'm sick of discussions about black relationships, single motherhood, and Tyler Perry. Why can't successful single women find a man? Why do successful black men marry non-black women? Black women only want thugs...Black women's standards are too high...Black men ain't ish...blah blah fucking blah. People really need to relax and just...be.

WTF is a "successful" black man or black woman? Do people really define themselves by their accomplishments like THAT? Seriously? At the end of the day a man is a man and a woman is a woman..."success" doesn't have shit to do with it. Seriously.

I would like to see less discussions about single parent statistics and more talk about what's preventing so many black couples from staying together and marrying to begin with. And by discussions I don't mean the typical blame game bullshit...there's some REAL stuff going on that is much deeper than "successful black women."

Is Tyler Perry REALLY that bad? Really? He has inspired some outrageously angry and emotional reactions from people lately...actually for quite a while. Like, did he kill a bunch of kittens or what? Why do people act like his mere existence is causing the downfall of the entire black race? I don't recall ever seeing such strong reactions from people over movies.

It's just not that F'n deep!

Check it Out

2010-10-18T11:58:00.000-04:00

I've started a health/weight loss blog: http://gettherestaythere.blogspot.com/

Bedtime Tidbits

2010-05-11T23:58:00.000-04:00

I'm so happy that tomorrow is my 'Friday.' I decided to take Thurs & Fri off for my birthday to relax a bit and also prepare for the small get together I'm having at my apartment on Saturday. I can't say that I've had some major introspective moment regarding turning 28 but the big day is Thursday so there's still time lol.

This weekend was a little busy. Saturday SP & I drove to Baltimore to celebrate my friend's engagement/housewarming. We kicked it down there for a few hours and headed back here to make it to his friend's "ocho de cinco" (belated Cinco de Mayo) - house party. We had a blast @ both events and spent Sunday lying around in recovery b/c we were dead ass tired from all the running around.

Summer classes start on Saturday so the party is almost over and I'm sooo not mentally ready. I guess I'd better get ready.

Random!

2010-04-29T12:03:00.001-04:00

My friend Laurie called this morning…someone broke into her car overnight and stole her radio and iPhone charger. I feel so violated FOR her. WTF? Breaking into cars and stealing radios is so 1980's! It was probably some damn crack head. Now she has to come out of pocket to get her window fixed & a radio reinstalled. This is a sad world we live in sometimes.

My little brother scored his first job! Woo hoo! He's gonna be a busybody this summer…he'll be working part-time & participating in a summer program during the weekdays w/ the University where I work & attend grad school. The summer program is geared toward 10^th-12^th graders who have an interest in law, the sciences, engineering, and veterinary practice. I'm soooo proud of and excited for him!

The wedding for my friend S is on Saturday…it's going to be a very small, personal affair. Really, like 20 people have been invited and there will be a 'mini-reception' at the crib. Honestly when I get married I'd want to do something like that…I'm not into big events & such. But SP on the other hand wants to have an all out reception/party and wants to invite all of his frat, etc. Yeah clearly he's paying for it b/c I'm not putting in on that! Not that we're engaged or anything but hypothetically, of course.

I'll be 28 in a couple of weeks and haven't really made plans for a celebration. I think I want to have a little dinner/party at my apartment and just invite some folks over. We'll see.

For some reason I STILL have an Ann Taylor Loft gift card that I got for Christmas! I'm going to spend that bad boy on my lunch break…I need some pants for work.

Feels So Good

2010-04-25T10:36:00.004-04:00

This weekend was pretty uneventful. I spent most of Friday finishing that 10 (not 15) pg paper my partner and I had to do for Statistics, plus the technical appendix. Friday night was dedicated to writing another paper I had due for my Politics/Policy (PP) class yesterday. I wish I could've done it sooner but we only had one week to do that Stats paper (something we should've had much more time to do considering the analysis involved...oh I have so many complaints about that class as do the rest of my classmates) so that's what most of my time outside of work was spent on. Honestly though if it was not a "group" project I could've had it done sooner because my partner over analyzes EVERYTHING. The Stats paper was due today but I wanted to finish it by Friday night, which we pretty much did except my partner wants to make revisions right up to the last minute before it's due. I truly believe we'd covered everything by Saturday morning...low and behold I wake up to an email about some damn revisions this morning. It's finally submitted!

The PP class was very interesting. It's one of my core courses and initially I wondered, "why the hell do I have to take this stupid class?" But it turned out to be very interesting and *gasp* I learned some things about myself in the process. It was the most difficult course I've taken and I had to write at a level I didn't even know I was capable of. At any rate, two semesters are finished and I couldn't be more relieved!

Last night I went out for dinner and drinks with two friends to celebrate a wedding that's taking place next week which I just learned about 2 weeks ago. Not sure what you can learn about a person in 3-4 months that would make you want to rush and marry them but to each his/her own. I don't approve but if my friend is getting married then I'm going to support her...after I voiced my concerns that fell on deaf ears, of course lol. All 4 of the chicas that I consider close friends are in serious relationships...so much for that SBW epidemic, eh?

I shall spend the rest of the day doing...nothing. And it feels so good!

Poppin Bottles

2010-04-19T15:21:00.001-04:00

So Bobby Flay opened up a Burger Palace in University City. SP and I were all hyped up to try their burgers – me more so because they make turkey burgers. We got there and the line was out the door and it was raining! We were thinking that the food must be REALLY good but after several minutes and noticing the line wasn't budging we walked down the street to Marathon Grill instead. I'm glad we did because I enjoyed my spinach/pesto turkey burger and ceasar salad J. I'm patting myself on the back for not ordering the fries and turning them down when SP tried to tempt me with his.

On Saturday night we went to my friend Laurie's bday party. It was a nice low-key dinner w/ good friends, good drinks, and great food. I MUST post pics of the cake…there was a bottle of Grey Goose inside of it lol.

My other friend Lea also had her birthday party later that night at this hood spot in North Philly :-/ I love her so I vowed to show my face regardless. That was until SP and I get inside and find them charging $20 per person to enter. A hood spot. With a body guard who frisked SP and checked my purse prior to entry. Did I mention there was a full on duty police officer at the door too? That shit should've been free…in fact they should've paid US to enter. We called Lea downstairs, wished her well, then turned on our heels and got the hell out of dodge.

I spent Sunday recovering from a long and stressful week, and doing things I have no time to do during the week. Taking Saturday classes from 9:30-5:30 is essentially like working a 6^th day and it always catches up to me on Sunday. After this summer there will be no more of that.

This is the last week of the semester and it has been getting the best of me. But I'm trying to deal. I already snapped on SP though *sigh* but I recognized it and apologized. I have 15-20 pg paper (with a partner) and a final exam due for the same class on Saturday. I think this professor is smoking crack. I have a short paper due for my other class as well. Ugggh.

Can Only Get Better

2010-04-15T10:15:00.001-04:00

I wake up this morning and take my shower as usual. I reach to turn off the water yet the water is still running. I think to myself, "you can do it put your back into it" and try with all my might to turn off the hot water. No dice. I go to the utility closet and try to turn off the water from there until maintenance can get here but don't know which knob to turn & am not about to fool with the hot water heater. So I get dressed, call the emergency maintenance number, and leave.

I am already running late because I hit the "off" button instead of snooze. A few blocks from my apartment there's a man standing in the middle of the intersection making me stop at a green light…I look to my right and see a Fed Ex truck smashed into a Nissan Pathfinder. Ugh! After a couple of minutes I'm able to get around that and continue to work. About a mile a way I see a trolley idled at a weird spot…there's no bus stop and it's not an intersection. As I get closer I see that there's a long line of six trolleys that are apparently stuck because all of the passengers are exiting the trolleys and walking. I've never seen that many stuck in one place in my entire life living in the city. Anyway, I manage to get around that mess and continue my trek to the gig. By this time I'm 20 minutes late but this means traffic will have died down by the time I reach University City. Or not.

I zip over the Greys Ferry bridge and head down University Ave. Gridlock. Apparently there's some lane closure/shifting on Spruce St which may be backing up traffic where I am. I finally make it to work about 30 mins late but things can only get better right? Right?!

It just randomly occurred to me that I still have a blog

2010-04-12T21:22:00.004-04:00

I'm in the midst of the last two weeks of spring semester which means I have tons of school work to do. I was sitting here working on an assignment for my Statistics class for a few hours then my vision got blurry so I took a break to switch my contacts for my glasses.

I'm pretty satisfied with my grad program thus far...it's hard but the time is flying by and it's rewarding. I don't know if I talked about the type of program I'm doing...I haven't blogged in a long time and don't feel like checking the archives. Anyway I'm doing a Public Administration type of program although my fancy smancy school calls it something else. As long as I continue to take two courses each semester I'll be finished next summer.

I don't think I've switched my tv from the ID channel in about two days. I could watch these investigative crime shows all day every day. I'm wondering why I never thought about getting into forensic science as a career. Well I guess it's one thing to track down murderers vs. watching someone else do it! I think I'd prefer to just watch. My boyfriend (who shall be known as SP) gets sick of my armchair investigating though..."the first thing he said to the 911 dispatcher was 'Oh My God' so he had to have killed his whole family for the insurance money!"

I moved to another apartment last month FINALLY after lots of hemming and hawing for 2 years or so. Every time I would start to look for a new place I either couldn't find what I wanted (for a price I was willing to pay) or I would get this feeling that it wasn't the "right" time to move. In January I started looking for a place again and found one after only a couple days of looking and it felt completely right. So here I am living back in the city with no more neighbors running impromptu daycare operations in the apartment directly above. My new place is peaceful and comfy...there's a parking lot, washer/dryer inside my apt, and a fitness center that I just love...all for just $30 more/mo than I was paying before. And I live on the 2nd floor this time...I will NEVER live on the 1st floor again. Well, I plan for my next move to be a home purchase so that is moot anyway.

Happy New Year!

2010-01-03T18:14:00.000-05:00

I hope that everyone had a Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

What have I been up to? Let's see...school went well this semester. It
took some adjusting but I think I have the hang of it. Spring classes
begin on the 23rd so I'm just enjoying a much needed break. I go back
to work tomorrow after a week and a half off and I can't say that I'm
mentally prepared but it is what it is.

I deleted both my FB page and Twitter account a few weeks ago. I felt
totally unfocused and distracted and needed to take a step back. I'm
SO over social networking sites. Then there's the new
relationship...all I can say is that he makes me very happy :)

I didn't make any resolutions this year but I do plan to be more
focused career and school wise.

I can't write this w/o mentioning how pissed I am @ how the Eagles are
playing against the Cowboys right now! This means I have to hear both
my Mom & her fiancé's smacktalking for the next week grrrrr.

Kiesha

Sent from iPhone

Antsy Annie

2009-08-18T22:51:00.002-04:00

I've been a bit on edge for the last couple of weeks. I could just feel change in the air...still can. I was waiting for notification from the grad program I applied to, and thinking about changing careers and moving. But the latter depended on the former. If accepted to the program, the tuition would essentially be free except for the tax liability of the benefit. Which means changing jobs would not be happening any time soon. I was pretty much planning to move to another apartment regardless b/c I just need a change and it's just not peaceful where I currently live any more. But the location was up in the air.

On Friday I received an acceptance notification email which noted that my official acceptance materials would be mailed within a week. I'm so very excited and also very nervous. Classes start in about 3 weeks and I'm anxious to get my other materials so I can register for classes and find out my exact tax liability. Then I need to give my landlord 60 days notice (am month-to-month), look for an apartment, etc. To me it makes sense to move closer to work/school so that's the plan for now.

I need to just concentrate on not driving myself nuts for now!

Drowning

2009-08-06T15:26:00.001-04:00

This is one of those days where I feel super overwelmed at work. Everybody wants everything NOW and they seem to think that we're purposely 'making them wait.' Take a number mofo b/c everybody seems to be having a 'crisis' right now!

It sucks when you feel that you're doing the best you can and it's nowhere near enough. *sigh*

Keeping Up Appearances

2009-08-03T21:57:00.000-04:00

It's one thing to avoid discussing the intimate details of your relationship but it's something totally different to promote your relationship as perfect or your man as the 2nd coming of Jesus. I'm a fan of keeping your relationship business between yourself and your man but I can't cosign that other stuff.

I have a friend who recently got out of a relationship. As far as I could tell they were good together and seemed happy. My friend told me that they talked about marriage and having a future together. He's an entrepreneur, buys her nice things, and treats her well. He's a divorced father of 1 but had adopted his stepdaughter and treated her as his own so really a father of 2. I've been around him and he seemed like a nice guy...and if a friend is happy then I'm all about it.

The last few months of the relationship I could tell she wasn't happy any more and she said they weren't going to make it. He ended up breaking up with her because he needed to "get himself together." ~~She still let him smash~~ They played the back and forth game for a couple of months following the break-up. She eventually moves on to another guy and several months later the ex "heard that she moved on" and wanted to reconcile. Unfortunately for him the new guy she's with wants the same things she does and is so wonderful that she couldn't see herself getting that old thing back.

Suddenly the ex is the scum of the earth: he has 4 kids w/ multiple women (I'm still confused about how many are biological, or he THOUGHT were his until paternity tests proved otherwise, or 'adopted' from previous relationships), unemployed, lives with mom, is adamant that he doesn't want more children, and isn't legally divorced. Are we still talking about the same dude???

My question is why a ~~childless woman who wants kids~~ ANY woman would be with a man for a whole year knowing all of that? And why was she the Spliff Star to his Busta Rhymes? She hyped him up to be the best thing since sliced bread when he is messier than a mofo! And HE had to be the one to break up with HER?

I wonder what the latest guy's story will become ~~when~~ if they break up?

More Random Thoughts

2009-07-29T22:55:00.005-04:00

I wake up every day without stress. I have everything I need and some of what I want. Things are just calm, peaceful and...easy. I can't even fathom allowing anybody or anything crazy or unstable to invade my space. That's just so far from normal to me. I think that's why I have unintentionally distanced myself from certain friends lately. They just have too much going on and they were messing with my 'chi' or something.

I'm a bit of a light sleeper. I need complete silence and darkness in order to fall asleep. Once I'm asleep it takes a little effort to wake me up though.

I'm growing out my relaxer. It's been about 3 months since my last one and my scalp is finally starting to really heal. I have had minimal dandruff/patchiness that was caused by the relaxer so I'm just not going back to that.

I'm such a bad pet owner. My cat is in heat and I should've gotten her spayed months ago. She keeps 'backing it up' on my bookcase (and table legs) and whining/growling. I feel so bad for her and I need to get her taken care of asap.

Mr. ____ looked me up on Facebook and sent a LONG msg declaring that I must still have feelings for him and shouldn't block them so we can make it work. I've made no attempts to contact this man in weeks. I don't know what 'feelings' he's talking about. One of my friends went to undergrad w/ him and swore that he was so nice and is all shocked that he's crazy. I always hoped to never run into a guy who just couldn't accept that I didn't feel the way he did but I guess my luck has run out.

That was strike two. I've told him not to contact me again. If he does I'm calling my stepdad & an uncle who doesn't mind going to jail. I'm sure they can make him understand what 'leave me alone' means.

If you have 4 children and ALL of them grew up to be failures then you probably sucked as a parent.

I haven't heard from my 'father' since around the time that we met last year and I have no idea where he is. I don't feel like I expected anything to come of that meeting but he'd better not ever contact me again.

I should probably rename this "Brain Dump."

Random Thoughts

2009-07-29T07:35:00.001-04:00

There are a few things I'm working on in my personal life but overall I'm content with life right now.

I wish Sarah Palin would just go away.

Even Bill O'Reilly isn't riding with this "Birther Movement" crap...wtf???

President Obama is still a Black man who knows that just as Mr. Gates was arrested in his own home the same could happen to him. He had every right to call that cop's actions STUPID!

Two men were sentenced the other day for a home invasion in which they raped a woman in her home then went to the ATM and withdrew money from her accounts. They had originally attempted to rob her younger brother on the street and he had the bright idea to direct a total of four men to his sister's home for money, where they proceeded to rape her. Most men would die before they'd bring anybody with guns to their sister's home. This, among many other stories in the news lately just saddens me and makes me fearful for my safety.

I canceled my gym membership. I don't see any reason to pay them just so I can walk. This is something I can (and have been) do outdoors at least until October.

My spelling sucks. The spell checker has caught an error in nearly every paragraph above. My web browser @ work doesn't have this function so I can only imagine how badly I spell on Twitter or when I comment on blogs during the day!

I have to get 4 fillings on Friday (sad face). This is the first time I've had cavities since I was like, 5!

I only wear heels when I go out. Otherwise I almost always wear flats b/c heels hurt my feet.

Holding Myself Accountable

2009-07-27T21:55:00.004-04:00

It seems like all it takes is one thing to knock me off my game. In 2002 it was the close of summer break and heading back to college that did it. I eventually got back on the wagon in 2004 but in 2005 graduation and moving back to Philly was the culprit. In 2006-2007 I don't even remember what it was. This year it has been a knee injury. I just can't seem to stick with this healthy living thing for more than 6-12 months at a time. That internal "thing" that pushes me to work out regularly just slowly evaporates and all it takes is one little wrinkle in the plan to extinguish the flame.

It's been two months since my "20 lbs RIP" post. Since then I had more pain from my knee which sidelined me from running and any exercise that requires bending it too much. Over the past 2-3 weeks I've not had much pain so I've started walking more but I don't feel as enthusiastic as I did just 2 months ago. I'm sort of just coasting along...doing just enough to maintain my current weight basically. I'm happy that I'm only 3 lbs up from my "20 lbs RIP" weight b/c in the past when I've fallen off I easily gained back 10 lbs within two months.

I have followed several people's weight loss journeys on different blogs and Youtube. For the most part these have been people who have had more than 50 lbs to lose that worked to do it the healthy way. Of course losing 60-70 pounds takes time and hard work. I wonder why it's so hard for me stay the course when I don't have that much weight to lose? I guess the key is to never lose sight of the goal. I'm not totally off the wagon but I do feel myself slipping.

It's time to start over again...15lbs to go.

What Really Matters

2009-07-19T23:47:00.003-04:00

I can remember being a first grader and complaining to the teacher that I couldn't see the blackboard. So Mrs. Schnell moved me to a seat in the front row but I still had trouble making out the letters on the board. She ended up talking to my mother which landed me in the optometrist's office with a quickness. I was on the state health insurance which = ugly glasses bigger than my face for a long time. If that wasn't bad enough, we didn't have much money so I didn't get to wear the Guess jeans and have new sneakers every month like the other kids. Our house was across the street from the projects so I went to school w/ those kids. Thinking about what it means to be poor, I have absolutely no idea how a lot of those kids had such nice clothes.

So not only did I wear big ass glasses but I didn't have much clothing at all really. I sometimes had to rotate the same stuff more than once in a given week. I can remember one day in 6th grade when I got to school and sat down at my desk and girl A looked at me and then told girl B "you were right." Later in the day another girl informed me that girl B made a bet that I would wear a certain pair of shorts that day...and apparently she was right. Wearing big glasses, wack clothes, being smart and well-behaved = outcast.

I don't think I owned any brand-name clothing until 10th grade when I got my first job at a construction company vacuuming offices. I finally understood why my mom refused to buy that stuff because it really sucked to work two weeks and have nothing left in my check after only buying two pairs of jeans. I don't like to hold on to things from grade school b/c I'm sure that everyone has a story. But I guess some things have stuck with me. I'm really sensitive to people thinking they're better than others because of what they have or appear to have. The high value that people place on certain things is just bizarre to me. It doesn't take much materially for me to be satisfied. I don't need a closet full of clothes, shoes, etc...I can only wear one thing at a time anyway.

In the grand scheme of things my life was just fine when I was coming up. I always had a roof over my head, food to eat, glasses so I could see (lol), was loved and never physically or emotionally abused. That's all I could really ask for.

What da Bloodclot?!

2009-07-13T08:30:00.000-04:00

I went out for drinks with two friends in Center City. One rode in my car and the other met us there. At the end of the night we dropped her off at her car because she ended up parking kind of far from the spot and it was late. She gets out of the car and I since I don't pull off until I see you get inside your house or car, I wait. This 1980's Astro van pulls up behind me and immediately starts beeping. They didn't even wait the requisite 5 seconds! It was a little one way street but I was holding up traffic for the amount of time it takes someone to hop out of one car and into another - keys already in hand.

The friend gets into her car and I start driving. I reach a stop sign and the van starts beeping again. As I'm making a left onto another little one way street the van pulls up on my right and is making a left beside me...on a tiny one way street...at an intersection. They try to cut in front of me but I guess their dumb ass wasn't quick enough which must've made them mad. A couple of blocks away the street opened up to two lanes and they finally got around me. They stopped the van and jumped out all Billy Bad Ass. It was a big old man and some crackish looking broad talking about "what da bloodclot" and we're like oh hell no we're not about to fight Jamaicans! My instinct was to mash the gas and they backed the hell up...still talking shit mind you LOL. They got back in the van and peeled off. I was so relieved that I didn't have to run anybody over that night.

Stalker Free Zone

2009-07-09T19:30:00.006-04:00

Yesterday I found an envelope in my mailbox with a return address that I didn't recognize and no name. My first thought was who's getting married? When I opened it sure enough it was an invitation but not to a wedding. It read, "The honor of your presence is requested to share an evening of fine cuisine & stimulating conversation with Mr. _____." There was a part at the end that read, "release your heart & feelings too just as I will do for you." This is after I already told Mr. ____ that I don't have feelings for him and do not want to pursue a relationship. I could tell that he even sprayed the invite with his cologne.

After our last "feelings" conversation he had asked for my address because he was "saving all his contacts' addresses in his new phone." I thought what the hell does he need my address for and ignored the text. He's been to my apartment before so it wasn't that hard to figure it out but still...I already told you I wasn't interested in taking things further so wtf are you doing? I called him and clarified in case I wasn't clear enough and he said he finally got the point. This morning he sends me a 6 part heart felt text message...and I'm thinking what do you want me to say? We dated for a month and some change...you would think we just ended a 3 year relationship or something! He made me feel like I really crushed his soul or something.

Hopefully this is the end of it.

R.I.P. MJ

2009-06-25T20:17:00.001-04:00

Honor Among Thieves?

2009-06-17T11:04:00.002-04:00

Leah gets engaged and her fiance, Brandon, moves into her apartment. They make an agreement that he would pay the rent and she would pay the other bills. Things are going well for the first 6 months or so and they begin to plan their wedding. Several months later Leah gets a call from her landlord asking for back rent as it's been 2 months since she was last paid. Leah asks Brandon about it and he says that his money has been funny due to some other issues but never really defines those "issues." He hasn't lost his job, the rent hasn't gone up, and he doesn't appear to be on crack so she doesn't understand why he stopped paying the rent. Leah ponies up the back rent and Brandon was charged with delivering it to the landlord. About a week later the landlord calls Leah again and asks why she wasn't paid what they agreed upon...instead of two months' rent she only received one. Leah asks Brandon and he says that the landlord is a liar and he doesn't know what happened to the rest of the money. Leah lived in the same apartment for 2-3 years before Brandon moved in and never had any of these issues. Essentially Leah has taken in a roommate who she has to clean up after but doesn't pay his share of the bills. Leah wonders why the hell he's even there.

The next logical step would be to kick Brandon's ass to the curb - literally. But Leah isn't logical so she decides to cheat on him instead. Leah begins a 'relationship' with another guy, Jason. Jason also lives with his significant other which is okay with Leah because hell, she's in the same position. They 'kick it' for a few months and when Brandon comes up short financially Jason is right there to pick up the slack. Leah is a little slickster as she manages to see Jason several times a week without Brandon even suspecting a thing. Everything is going smoothly for a while until Jason mentions that he's taking a 'friend' on a trip. Leah asks who this 'friend' is if it isn't the SO that he lives with. Jason doesn't feel that he has to answer to a jump-off. Leah is PISSED. Obviously he's taking another woman on a romantic getaway that isn't her...or his girlfriend. She tells everyone who will listen how shady Jason is...how could he be so deceitful? Apparently there are rules...you're only allowed to have one side piece at a time.

*Filed under: Dysfunction is the new black*

Just...Random

2009-06-15T19:11:00.003-04:00

I had my interview last week for the grad program I'm applying to. I was all nervous and took some time to prepare as I would for a job interview. It ended up being more like a conversation than an interview and it solidified my interest in the program. Hopefully I'll be receiving some good news come August and be sitting in somebody's classroom come September!

My stepfather was in the hospital for a few days and didn't tell anybody b/c he didn't want to 'bother.' WTH???

So the braces are off and I now have to wear these invisalign retainers for a year and they are ruling my life! I have to brush my teeth and reinsert them after every meal, snack, and non-water beverage. It was still worth it though.

I've been dating someone for the past month or so...I like him but have realized that the 'spark' just isn't there. I spent some time trying to rationalize it. I said 'spark' is overrated and that sometimes what you need isn't what you want -whatever- I'm just not feeling it and am not looking forward to telling him so. But it must be done b/c I'm not into leading people on.

I was telling my friend about how when I was 9 and my sister was an infant my mother & her ex both worked night jobs that left us home alone from around 11p-3a or 4a. My sis was still in that waking-up-at-the-buttcrack-of-dawn stage so I would have to give her a bottle, birp, and changer her diaper or whatever she required to go back to sleep. I did what my mom taught me - if the bottle doesn't work, change her, or then give her the teething ring and don't forget to birp her. I used to always forget that part. My friend said that was child abuse. If I read a story like that in the news I would've said the same exact thing.

For the first time in my life I'm beginning wonder what kind of mother I'll be. I really admire some of my mother-friends. They amount of attention & nurturing they give their kids amazes me. Sometimes I feel like I barely have the energy to keep up w/ my cat let alone children! But I know that I will do just fine.

My sister is graduating from high school on Friday...she's all grown up and it just blows my mind.

20lbs R.I.P.

2009-05-27T11:53:00.004-04:00

After the [minor] knee injury I had to cut back on my workouts. And then I got sick of counting calories and slacked a bit on what I was eating. This led to me feeling like I had hit a wall w/ this weight loss thing. I thought maybe I’d try a low-carb diet to kick things back into high gear and avoid counting so I picked up the South Beach Diet book. It’s pretty good and has made me want to learn more about nutrition overall but the low-carb thing is just not for me. I tried it for like half a day and felt physically weak. Don’t laugh. I truly commend people that can stick to those kinds of diets.

The book HAS made me more conscious of the amount of sugar & carbs I eat which is a good thing. But overall I still feel that for healthy and non-diabetic people, most of the low-carb diets out there are a bit extreme. Focusing on eating good carbs – fruit, whole grain pasta (I actually cook w/ it now and it’s pretty darn good), whole wheat breads, eating less sweets etc., is good enough.

It doesn’t seem like doctors learn about diet & nutrition in med school. So many people visit their doctors for a check-up and receive some generic “oh you need to watch what you eat” advice – even when they are significantly overweight. For most people that kind of advice isn’t really helpful. HOW do you watch what you eat? WHAT should you eat? I’m the type of person who needs specifics and some sort of plan. Sure a person could research it but if they are significantly overweight then it’s obvious that they need help to get going in the right direction. I still don’t know what to eat in terms of nutrition…just have general ideas. Am I eating enough protein? Getting enough vitamins/minerals? I dunno. I’m sure I probably eat too much sodium, carbs, and foods w/ added sugar. Think I’m gonna pick up Nutrition for Dummies next.

After following the Dr’s orders and plopping down $100 for the correct running sneakers for my gait, the knee feels like it’s at 90%. I’m still taking it easy on the running but I’ve been able to do other stuff consistently w/o pain. When I stood on the scale this morning I learned that I’m down a full 20 lbs yeaaaah! I’m still not going back to counting calories unless I get severely off track…that shyt was just annoying after a while. I’ll admit it is a good way to start a weight loss journey though. Since I wrote down everything I ate, measured etc., for a couple of months I’m still very conscious of what I’m eating which helps a lot. At this point I have learned that you don’t have to eat a perfect diet to lose weight…those weekly margaritas and the occasional [4-6oz] glass of wine w/ dinner don’t seem to be hindering my progress at all. I COULD lose weight faster if I cut all that out but 20lbs since mid-Jan (when I started counting calories) is fine with me.

Cheers!

2009-05-20T22:38:00.006-04:00

I had fun on Saturday...aside from that slight alcohol poisoning thing...*sigh.* People kept putting drinks in my hand...

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...and I just kept drinking them.

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I'm not touching any alcohol for the next two weeks...I'm sure my liver will thank me.

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Do You Know What Today is?

2009-05-14T17:51:00.004-04:00

*singing* it's our anniversary...

I have no boo so it's not my anniversary but that song has been in my head since yesterday which was my birthday.

I decided to take off from work Weds, Thurs, Fri and just relax. But of course I haven't done much in the way of relaxing LOL. Yesterday I had a lunch date...was supposed to have a dinner date but that guy cancelled so I ended up getting margaritas w/ friends. Today I had to drive to Harleysville PA to get the back parts of my braces taken off (I'll be braces free June 4 thank.God) b/c that's the office they were in today and I didn't want to wait til next week. I've never even heard of Harleysville until today. I'm a city girl...just driving out there was depressing. I wonder what those folks do for fun? Drive 40 mins each way to get to the city? Crazy.

I wonder why the guy checking IDs @ the door last night noticed that my ID was going to expire today but didn't notice that it was my birthday?

Tonite I'm going to dinner w/ friends. Tomorrow is dinner w/ the fam. I'm going to happy hour tomorrow w/ E. Knight or we're having drinks later in the evening...I can't remember what we discussed.

On Saturday...

And...

Butterfly

2009-05-08T20:48:00.004-04:00

I had to ask myself what I'm doing and where am I going. It seems that I tend to think about my future in far away terms but in reality I'm not 19 anymore. For a while I've just been sort of coasting along and it's time for some serious evaluation and planning. Some things I've asked myself are, am I on track to reach my career goals? Are the things that I spend lots of time doing helping me reach my goals? What steps do I need to take to realize my goals? Am I taking advantage of all the opportunities available to me right now? The answers to all of these questions is no, not really.

I'm in the process of applying to grad school (part-time) for the Fall. I've wanted to do this for a while but somehow managed to make the process more complicated than it needed to be, in my head at least. I'm nervous.

To this day I'm the only person in my family who ever attended-let alone graduated-from college. When I began undergrad I was so very lost. I finished my first year with a very mediocre GPA. My sophomore year, I was THIS close to being put on academic probation...and then THIS close to just dropping out. By the end of junior year I had improved a lot but still had some sore spots. It wasn't until my senior and subsequent 5th year (yup, I was a super-senior) that I did consistently well and felt like I'd found my way. But because of previous blemishes my GPA only increased by so much--not terrible but nothing to write home about either.

I reviewed a copy of my transcript and to be honest it's not pretty. I wish I could say "gee college was so fun that I partied hard and that's why I didn't do as well." That would make some sort of sense. Thankfully I wrote in my journal pretty regularly from the summer before college until almost the end. I read through some of those journals today, especially the ones that corresponded to the semesters that I struggled. I went through a LOT and did it on my own. I was depressed a lot...to the point that I often didn't have enough energy to get out of bed, I wrote about how much I cried, the unsavory people in my life that I considered friends, the awful men I dealt with, hell I wasn't even getting along w/ my mom/stepdad despite living 300 miles away from home. It's just not the journal of the carefree 18-20 year old that I should have been. Reading the journals made me very sad for that girl. Like my eyes welled up reading it all. She spent some of the best years of her life not enjoying it, worrying too much, keeping bad people around, and not utilizing the resources available to her to make things better. The times when my grades were the worst corresponded to the journal entries where I wrote that I didn't want to die but didn't want to live.

Those journals are almost 10 years old but thank God I still have them b/c I've learned a LOT and can clearly see how much I've grown. The journals that I wrote around the beginning of senior year were about how I'd fallen out w/ certain 'friends,' gotten rid of a certain asshole, and began sessions @ the student counseling center...I was beginning to figure out who I was. I'm going to start journaling regularly again...I look forward to reading about my 26/27 year old self in a few years.

Note to Self

2009-04-28T10:33:00.001-04:00

You're determined to find a dress today. So off to TJ Maxx you go and you pick out several lovely dresses to try on. Some fit perfectly but you're not too thrilled about the style & fabric. With some of the others the styles are gourgeous but the fit? Eh. You decide to pick the best one from the bunch and roll with that. Wait. You don't HAVE to buy a dress today or even from this store. There's nothing wrong with putting them ALL back on the rack and not buying a dress until you find one you absolutely adore.

Same goes for men.

Am Twittin'

2009-04-24T09:44:00.001-04:00

www.twitter.com/kunwrapped

The Homosexuality/God Debate

2009-04-23T13:28:00.001-04:00

Today's VSB topic spawned this blog entry…

The homosexuality debate reminds me of the God debate.

On the left you have the atheist who is CERTAIN that there can't possibly be some magical ghost up in the sky, pulling the strings, making good things happen to people but taking none of the responsibility for the bad things that happen on earth.

On the right you have the God-fearing Christian who is CERTAIN that God is real. They remember how their life used to be, the person they used to be, and how after building their relationship with God just about everything has changed 110% for the better. They know that God answers prayers and find comfort in their faith and relationship with Him.

On the left you have the anti-homosexual folks. They know for SURE that all gay people chose that life and there's a special place in hell for them. Nobody could possibly be born gay b/c it interferes with the natural desire to reproduce. And hell if humans don't reproduce we die. The male and female…um…biological mechanics simply compliment each other surely homosexuality is unnatural.

On the right you have the homosexual empathizers. Although they aren't gay, they are CONVINCED that people are simply born that way. Two people of the same sex can have love for each other that is no different from that a heterosexual couple…so why should they be treated any differently?

From where I'm sitting, nobody on either side of these debates can really be sure. It seems that my feelings about homosexuality are similar to those about God. I do believe that there's a God…I believe that [most] homosexuals are not born that way…but how can anyone REALLY know for certain? All we have is what we believe to be so.

This week is shaping up MUCH better...

2009-04-14T23:18:00.004-04:00

My knee still hurts...my driver's side view mirror is still broken...work is still stressful...but I'm good...another issue that I'm not gonna blog about is still there. My circumstances have not changed one bit from last week but the way I was thinking & feeling about them has done a total 180. Sometimes I really struggle with negative thinking and it just makes the smallest issue THIS BIG. I'm trying very hard to work on that - for my own well-being and peace of mind.

My stepdad's mechanic is going to fix the mirror for under $200 bucks...and well if my stepdad trusts him w/ his fancy ride then I'm sure my Chevy will be just fine.

I've been taking it easy @ the gym...walking instead of running and applying a little Icy/Hot post-workout. I think it's just inflamed b/c it's still more of a discomfort than soreness. I'll give it another week before I make a doctor's appt.

With my job I just work hard & do my best...we're not performing brain surgery so I'm not stressing over that shit.

I hate giving the "I only see us as friends" speech almost as much as guys hate receiving it. But better to be honest when you have to see the mofo @ the gym every other day though. Sure it's great to meet people while doing things you enjoy but it can be awkward if it doesn't work out!

Sometimes it's hard sticking to my eating plan when doing stuff w/ my friends. I'm back to keeping my food journal b/c I was getting off track and now I'm at the point where I'm very conscious of what I eat. They're all like "you're only having one drink" or "you're not gonna eat any of the [fried/cheese laden] appetizer?!" NO heffa!

Every night I tell myself to be in bed by 11...oh look it's 11:37 tsk tsk.

What a Week...

2009-04-11T11:25:00.002-04:00

First I walk out to my car on the way to work to find that some asshole nearly knocked my driver's side view mirror off so now I have to get THAT fixed.

Apparently I have a knee injury b/c there's this little discomfort when I walk & exercise so running is out of the question for now.

It was so HARD to get through my workout on Thurs. I felt like crap (worked late & it was a stressful day) and when I walked into the locker room one of the ladies said, "you LOOK how I FEEL." It was just rough and I barely eeked out 30 mins of cardio and some strength training.

My knee still aches (more of a dull ache) but I feel MUCH better physically & mentally today. I'm going to stick w/ the elliptical for now until my knee gets better...I'm in a good groove and I don't want to break it and end up falling off the wagon again. My friend was supposed to hit the gym with me this morning but she flaked. Figures. That ain't gonna stop me though.

I work @ a university in the Research Finance area. This particular university is one of the top recipients of federal grants for research purposes. When Prez Obama signed the stimulus bill it included tons of extra $$$ for research which means that things are about to get real interesting @ the gig. The gov't is basically about to make it rain on us and word on the street is that our work loads are likely to triple. On the one hand I'm grateful b/c it means our jobs are pretty secure. On the other I am not a damn slave and will NOT be worked like one.

Typically doctors in the individuals schools/depts (i.e. med school, dental medicine, physics, economics, etc.) are in charge of carrying out the research and adhering to the terms/conditions of the grants with the assistance of their administrators. I typically work with those administrators to ensure that the terms/conditions are followed, monitor the financial activity, and complete any financial reports required by the awarding agency or company. I already have a LOT of awards on my watch and it can get stressful at times. Especially when I have to argue w/ these administrators or doctors b/c they may have an 'interesting' interpretation of what is considered a legitimate research cost that I'm sure the auditors wouldn't find amusing. I'm getting a headache just thinking about it...so I'm done thinking about it...it's the weekend!

"Don't Get TOO Skinny"

2009-04-06T23:34:00.000-04:00

I can't sufficiently describe how much I HATE HATE HATE when people say that. Nobody is ever in danger of getting "too skinny" unless they're anorexic or have some sort of medical condition. I hate to say it but it's mostly Black people who think that by merely eating healthy & exercising one will get "too skinny." I have a couple of friends who are slim - they eat regularly and are healthy - who want to gain weight. I can't really say that I understand that mentality - I guess b/c I work really hard to maintain a healthy weight while they want to gain.

I was really thin until about 11th grade and I just never thought about my weight until my clothes stopped fitting. And since I was already pretty thin I just bought the next size b/c I was still on the slimmer side even w/ the weight gain. At the time I still never thought of myself in terms of "fat or skinny." It wasn't until college that I really thought about my weight b/c I gained that 'freshman 15' and by the time I got to senior year it seemed like the scale would never stop moving upward unless I did something about it. Anybody who read my blog back then remembers how I started running & such.

After graduating and moving back home I eventually stopped working out and the weight came back again of course. I'd lose 10-15 lbs then fall off the wagon and gain it back and the cycle continued. I've been back at it since December with a force that I never had in the past though. I completely overhauled my eating habits (in Jan) and actually get the recommended 5 fruits/veggies a day. I probably eat out once a week on average...I always brown bag it to work. I still don't eat beef/pork and I mostly eat whole grains & lean chicken, turkey, & fish. I still go out for drinks 1-2x/week but I've managed to lose 14lbs and counting since I began eating right so I'm gonna stop beating myself up about that.

I started out w/ a food journal & calorie counting in Jan...what an eye opener. I read up on caloric intake and how much I'd need for my height/weight to maintain or lose and it became clear why I was steadily gaining weight in college. We had Chick-Fil-A & Pizza Hut in our cafeteria in addition to other burger/fries type fare and I ate that stuff every.single.day for lunch & dinner. If I only needed 1900 calories or so per day to maintain my college weight and I was eating 800 calorie Personal Pan Pizzas for lunch and something similar for dinner in addition to chips, soda, etc...no WONDER I was gaining weight. I'm lucky I wasn't obese by the time I graduated lol.

Realistically I have about 15 lbs more to lose to achieve a more svelte figure...I want Michelle Obama arms (toned yet feminine) and I WILL have them by summer!

Another random annoying thing - people who think dieting & exercising for a set time period will produce permanent weight loss. When you stop you'll gain the weight back and it won't take long. This is why it's best to recognize that this is a lifestyle change. Sure there will be days when you'll eat crap or periods when you aren't exercising as much...but don't let those days turn into weeks and those weeks turn into months.

Dine N Dash

2009-04-05T02:21:00.004-04:00

My friend Laurie & I went out for margaritas tonite @ one of our favorite spots. We get there early enough to get a good table but not early enough to get a good parking spot apparently. We must've circled the area 4x before finding a spot & this place doesn't have a parking lot. Anyway, we sit down and get to drinking our peach margaritas and eating our quesadillas and watching Villanova lose to NC. Not that I care b/c I was riding for Pitt (my alma mater) but 'Nova beat them last week. We get to talking about how some of our friends say things like "girl he has a job you better keep him" and conclude that women like that are the reason why so many loser to mediocre dudes in Philly think they're hot shit simply b/c they do basic grown up shit like wipe their ass and work full time. We also conclude that if we stay in this city for the rest of our lives we don't stand a chance in hell of getting married. She's from NY, btw.

At some point she tries to convince me to go to "first Saturdays" at this sort-of club but I remind her that we ALWAYS go out for drinks and say "hey let's go to first Saturday" and regret that shit by the end of the night. It's one of those places where the men walk up to you and just start grinding on you vs. asking you if you want to dance. They never offer to buy drinks and they say shit like "you have a fat ass" and get ANGRY if you don't reply with a thank you b/c of course "you have a fat ass" is a compliment. That and "you're baby mama material." Um...I refuse to go to that ghetto ass place ever again. I prefer the other spot where the men tend to be 30+ and they ASK you if you want to dance and if you say yes they don't just haul off an put their penis on your neck. They not only offer to buy you a drink but they get your friends a round too. I think she agreed w/ me, lol.

At some point I look to my right and see these two silly ass broads giggling and sort of running away from their table. Next thing I know they dart out the emergency door and the waiter chases them down the street. I have never witnessed a real life dine-n-dash...but it was so funny even the wait staff had to laugh after he couldn't catch them. I'm still shocked...but man it was HILARIOUS! Sad, but funny as hell.

Just Some Thoughts...

2009-03-27T10:20:00.001-04:00

I accept people for whom they are or I just don't deal with them at all. I'm not in the business of trying to force my idea of what 'should be' on anybody. I just recognize that some things just...ARE...and there's really nothing you can do about it. Some people do things in relationships that I would not consider ideal. Some men (and women) are just inherently foul and some women will accept that and be with them. As far as I'm concerned, they are adults and can do whatever the hell they want.

I don't focus on my flaws. I would even say that I outright block them out to the point that I forget they exist. Once in a while someone will bring something to my attention and I'll think…damn…I do have a big ass head. But that doesn't stop me from feeling pretty hot w/ my hair pulled back in a bun. It's funny to me now that when I was in high school I was so insecure about my forehead that I always wore bangs or some style w/ my hair kind of in my face. I never EVER wore my hair pulled back…that was blasphemy. Oh but times have changed.

I don't do well w/ shy or passive guys. I'm more on the reserved side so if he's waiting for me to 'take the reigns' then we're going to get absolutely nowhere. I have a girlfriend who is pushy & controlling so that type of guy is perfect for her. Opposites work well together I suppose.

Like clockwork I start to get that 'itch' around the one year mark at a given job. Usually by the 1.5 year mark I've jumped ship and found a new job. I'm getting that itch now but in my heart I don't believe that it's time to move on. I like my job but I am itching for a change though.

Blah

2009-03-21T09:42:00.001-04:00

I want to feel optimistic, hopeful, and think positive about this dating/relationship stuff. I want to write about good experiences, learning experiences, or just something different from the same old shit I've been writing about since I began blogging. I should be in my happily ever after now, right? But it's just not my reality and I don't know what to do about it. I'm honestly past the point of being angry or frustrated...now it's just more sadness and disappointment. I just don't understand why this is so hard. Everything in my heart and mind is telling me that it shouldn't be...oh but it is. I'm not sure what to do differently but clearly SOMETHING is wrong here. I was dating someone for a about 5 months but ended it last month...honestly the shit lasted 4.5 months longer than it should've. But that's my fault...when you dig from the bottom of the barrel you can't be mad when you come up with crabs or fungus or however the saying goes. It was pretty clear from jump that he was immature and had nothing to offer me. It's not a big deal b/c nothing was invested but dammit I'm annoyed w/ myself for that one. Others I've been coming across have just been flat out weird. Like after one conversation I'm wishing I never gave them my number. I don't know what's going on lately. The spring better bring me some better stories to tell!

Statistics Are People Too

2009-03-18T10:42:00.001-04:00

I feel like we're always being bombarded with statistics. I won't say it's necessarily a good thing or bad thing. The latest big one I've heard via the media is that 3% of DC's population is infected w/ HIV/AIDS. According to this media source (I think it was the Rachel Maddow Show), a disease is considered an epidemic when 1% of a given population is infected. I also read somewhere that HIV/AIDS is the leading cause of death for Black women ages 25-44. I'm always shocked when I hear these things. I wonder, who ARE these people? Where are they? I'm curious.

I get a lot of my local daily news from the online newspaper. It never fails that on any article whether related to crime (and often times not), some racist people will have posted some negative statistics (often inaccurate) about Blacks. I used to respond to some of the comments but I've learned to not argue with unreasonable and/or unstable people. I've also learned that statistics merely track a trend and are predictors of NOTHING. People cling to statistics even in the face of concrete evidence that MANY people defy them. Of course they want to be right though, so they say that those who defy are just exceptions. But how many people have to defy a statistic before you recognize that hmmm…maybe they aren't just exceptions?

I think we would get a lot more problems solved if we looked at the total picture sometimes and not just the numbers.

In other news I'm STILL pissed that AIG gave out bonuses while my employer has suspended salary increases until 2010 b/c of the economy. That's some BULLSHIT!! I don't want to hear President Obama wax philosophical about how wrong it is - I want him to do SOMETHING!

Repost: How to Argue Like a Man

2009-03-16T12:16:00.000-04:00

1. Never admit that you’re wrong, even when presented with facts and/or evidence to the contrary.

2. If your opponent exposes a hole in your argument, or if they express an idea truly worth considering, completely ignore it, or dismiss it as being off-topic.
2a. If that doesn’t work, vehemently dispute a random idea that your opponent presented 6 months ago or hasn’t presented at all (straw man argument).

3. Kill ‘em with semantics. When in doubt, just reword your argument to make yourself right. You can never be wrong if you keep your opponent confused. It keeps them on their toes.

4. Always maintain a condescending tone. No matter how illogical, thoughtless, or just plain stupid your idea is, by maintaining an air of condescension, you make yourself feel more intelligent than you actually are.

5. If your opponent is a woman, always remind her that her thought process and/or method of communication is inherently inferior to yours. Always throw in “you’re illogical and emotional” for good measure. Forget that men’s proported ability to ’keep emotions in check’ is likely the reason that most, if not all, serial killers are male.

How I Stay Motivated to Work Out Regularly

2009-03-11T21:09:00.000-04:00

This is not groundbreaking or new but it works for me.

Fit working out into your life, not vice versa
Many times I would declare that I was going to get up @ 5:30am to hit the gym, shower, dress, eat breakfast, and then make it to work by 8:30-9. One big problem: I am NOT a morning person. AT ALL. So I would manage to drag myself out of bed twice and then fall off the wagon. Now I don't even play that game and just go after work.

Find something you enjoy
I love jogging. The elliptical bores me, the stair climber is a killer, and the stationary bike is probably the lamest thing in the gym. Soooo the treadmill tends to be my default and I add the others in just for variety or when my legs are sore from running b/c they're lower impact. If you don't want to bother with the gym, can you afford fitness equipment? Is there a track near your home that you can use? There are tons of fitness videos out there that will whip you into shape - and they're cheap!

Make it routine
I tell myself, just like I have to go to work, I have to go to the gym. This has been working well for me b/c it's so easy to fall off the wagon when you take a few days off. I'm not TOTALLY there yet as I'm currently going 4 days, not 5. But I started out going 2-3x a week so I've made progress. I try not to even think about it. I pack my gym bag every night and head toward the gym directly from work. I try not to tell myself I'm going to the gym tonight. I just go no matter how I feel and once I'm in there I feel 10x better.

Make it Close to Home or Work
I read this somewhere and it's a great tip. If I have to drive across the city or the drive is just a general pain in the ass (like my previous gym), I'm less inclined to go. The gym I go to now is about 3 miles from my apartment. I can get a good workout and still feel like I'll get home at a decent time.

Ditch the workout buddies
Unless they are serious, of course. If they are serious they can be great motivators, otherwise they may slow you down or distract you.

Track your progress
Seeing myself run faster and further each week motivates me. Now I can run 2.5 miles (10 minute/mile) but when I first started I could barely walk a mile. Or when I get on the StairMaster (not the one w/ the pedals but the moving steps) and see that I can do it for 20 mins on level 7 instead of 2 minutes on level 1 like when I first started. When I think about falling off the wagon I remind myself how far I've come and I don't want to go backwards.

Back in the House Once Again...

2009-03-08T21:13:00.001-04:00

I suddenly had the urge to start blogging again...so here I am. I can't promise that this will be cohesive or even make sense...

I can understand the idea of eating for comfort while upset. But I don't remember ever doing it. I DO remember eating out of boredom or just b/c snacks were there.

I saw a friend from college whom I haven't seen in about two years although we've talked plenty of times in between. He was like "wow you look FANTASTIC" and I was wondering if he thought I looked busted before?

My kitten, Mimi, keeps trying to take a swig of my tea even after I've shooed her away like 6 times already...I'm about to kick her lil azz. Oh wait now she's chasing her tail.

I've joined a dating site...*sigh*

There's this chick who can always diagnose why some other chick doesn't have a man...and a lot of times she's correct. It's a shame that she can't seem to diagnose her own shyt though.

My idea of 'comfort' food is a cup of chai tea w/ a splash of vanilla soy milk. Mmmm no wonder Mimi is all up in my cup.

If after having gastric bypass surgery you will have to eat healthy and exercise to maintain the weight loss and reduce risk of complications, why not do that from jump?

Today is just one of those days that I don't feel like talking. Don't take it personal.

[note: when I took down the blog the comments went down with it. Now that I've put it back up the old comments don't show up...I've been meaning to holler @ Haloscan about that. Eh]

Adios

2008-09-08T16:22:00.000-04:00

I've been hanging on by a thread for a while now but it's time. After four years or so, blogging has run it's course for me. I'm just not that into it any more. I no longer want to share what may be going on in my mind or my life via the internet.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to stop by my little corner of the internet regularly and irregularly.

Peace.

Waldo Geraldo Faldo

2008-09-01T03:28:00.000-04:00

*I'm back from vacay and it was absolutely wonderful! I gambled (and lost), shopped, ate, drank, and was merry!*

If you’re a young woman who wants to settle down and have a family in Philly, you’ll have no problem finding that here. If you just want a man who goes to work every day and values providing for his family you’re in luck.

Unfortunately that just isn’t enough for me.

I'd like to be able to talk about stuff with my guy and maybe even learn a thing or two. I'd like to be able to mention some political or current event and not see his eyes glaze over w/ that infamous blank stare. Would it be too much to ask for him to be passionate about something(s), and take as much interest in things that I enjoy as I do the same for him?

Supposedly women talk more than men, and when men do talk get straight to the point. Where can I find a guy like that??? I meet so many 'Chatty Chris' types who LOVE to talk incessantly about...nothing.

My ex and I used to talk about all kinds of stuff. I remember learning about Reagan and contra. I remember talking openly & honestly about religion. I remember borrowing his books.

After having that I just can’t go back to dumb.

I’m sure there are plenty of intelligent guys ‘round these parts…I just don’t know where to meet them.

Randomness!!!

2008-08-23T11:06:00.000-04:00

The new fiscal year @ the gig began July 1 which means my (well, everyone's) workload has increased significantly. It's soooooo stressful! Well, it's stressful M-F - once I leave that place all that stuff stays there. We had a staff meeting yesterday which was a bunch of "we need to do this, that, and the third so that when we get audited there won't be xyz findings." Um, we're not all sitting around twiddling our thumbs - we're busting our butts working HARD plus several of us are new and still within the learning curve. What the hell you want us to do?!

I'm not in the business of Build-a-Man. No, I'm not going to teach a man how to treat me. If a guy comes to the table w/ some b.s. I'm not going to negotiate or "show" him that he has to step his game up b/c I'm supposedly different from other women. Not in 2008. I simply let him pass me by. Women give men a pass when they don't come correct, on some "they only do what women allow" type mess. The kind of man I want wouldn't TRY to pull some b.s. in the FIRST place b/c that's not what he's about. I want a man who treats me well b/c it comes naturally to him, not b/c I pressured him or he fears losing me.

As women we need to understand that for most of the men who come our way, we need to just let them pass us by. It's that simple to me.

I'm watching USA play AUS in women's basketball. I never really watch women's b-ball and I must say I'm surprised at how HARD these girls go. It's interesting that the AUS women have on these tight one-piece uniforms while USA is wearing what the men's team wears. The feminist in me wonders why the Aussie's have to wear those tight uniforms. The girly girl in me would rather wear those uniforms b/c they're actually cute - especially if I was in the shape that those chicks are in. Not those colors though, yuck.

USA is merking them, uniforms be damned.

Next week is a three-day work week...Mom and I are going to Vegas!!! I can't WAIT...I've actually never been out west.

Off to the gym I go...was supposed to go @ 9 and here it is 11:30. Yeah.

"You Watch Too Many Movies, Sheila"

2008-08-10T14:50:00.000-04:00

You are not Carrie Bradshaw. You will not, after putting up w/ MONTHS or even YEARS of bullsh!t, finally get the guy. If/when you do get said guy, there will be YEARS of more bullsh!t to follow. Trust me on this.

Right now someone I know is involved with a guy who's married and lives in another state. She told me that sometimes you meet a good man who's just caught up in a bad situation but it could very well work out in the end. She spends her hard-earned money on plane tickets to visit this guy...who won't take her out in public in the area where he lives b/c...well he's MARRIED. According to her, he'll get his divorce and she could end up moving to this other state to be w/ him.

Hmmm...Let's define good man:

Handles his personal and business affairs with integrity
Does not cheat on his spouse
Acknowledges his mistakes and takes steps to rectify
Makes his intentions known from JUMP when dealing w/ women
Takes responsibility if/when he f&cks up

What does this mean? It means that IF all the b.s. he says his wife puts him through is true he'll do one of two things: take steps to repair the marriage or file for divorce - if he's a good guy. He's not going to spend his time gallivanting in Philly w/ some jump-off if he TRULY believes that his wife has the issues he claims. He's made some serious accusations against his wife...things that no upstanding guy would leave town and leave his kids (yup, young children involved) w/ her over.

There was another situation where she referred to this other guy as a "good man" - a guy who lives with his child's mother yet claims that they don't sleep together and the relationship is over. Let's see...he got someone pregnant whom he wouldn't marry...he now lives with her...and still won't marry her...oh but the relationship is over. A REAL good man would acknowledge that he shouldn't have knocked her up and do one of two things...move the relationship forward or end it. He'd get off his lazy ass, find another place to live, and move the hell on from that relationship while taking care of his kid. That's it.

Boy meets girl. They fall in love. Conflict ensues. They break up. Something random brings them back together. They live happily ever after. ---> This formula only happens in the movies folks.

Recession Smecession

2008-08-05T23:15:00.000-04:00

We're in a recession! We're in a recession! We're in a recession!

But I'm grateful anyway.

Within the last few months I have:

Gotten settled in at the new gig. It's been a little over four months now. I can't say that I LOVE it but it's challenging and I'm picking up an entirely new and invaluable skill set.

Paid off my credit cards. It was not a major balance but I kept running the damn things back up every time I got close to paying them off!

Reached a savings goal. Woo hooooo!

Increased my retirement savings contributions. And now my stepdad can stop fussing at me about it, lol.

Built a stronger relationship w/ my mom since she's been back from Iraq. We never really had a problematic relationship, but I think we're now at the point where it's still Mother-daughter but also a friendship. I feel like I know her more as a 'woman' now than just 'Mom.' I guess part of it is due to her moving in with me while she went through the process of buying her home...she did get on my NERVES sometimes but now I kinda miss having her here.

Lost 10 lbs. Trying to lose 10 more but gotta push through this plateau. I've switch my post-work workouts to early AM...we'll see how this goes.

Gotten rid of dead weight...male and female

I really can't complain.

Cop That

2008-08-02T09:00:00.000-04:00

I'm excited about the music that's out right now! I'll be getting my hands on the following albums...one way or another.

Gotta love those Philly chicks ;) To be only 21 this girl has soooo much soul. I sorta get the Lauren Hill comparisons but I think that's a bit premature. From the other songs of hers I've heard, she definitely has her own sound.

I'm not a big fan of rap anymore but Nas will ALWAYS be one of my favs...he came pretty hard this go-round.

I absolutely adore Lloyd! He is sooo underrated. I ran a hole in his Street Love cd last summer. When this drops I'm ON it.

Another slept on artist...he's VERY talented and I LOVED his first cd. I still listen to it from time to time (shhhhh).

I first heard this song randomly at a an after party for a comedy show and couldn't get it out of my head. It was so bad that I was doing Google searches on the lyrics b/c nobody could tell me who sang it. I've heard some his other stuff, and songs he's written for other artists...can't wait to get this one.

BET J

2008-07-31T07:00:00.000-04:00

I'm really digging this network. Last week I caught a show that is hosted by Hill Harper that was an assortment of movie shorts. The shorts are about 30 mins long and created by up-and-coming Black directors.

My fav one is called "K(no)w De:tales."

Here's the trailer: http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=9316421

It begins with a heavy love scene (about as heavy as BET can get lol). Then ole girl wakes up excited not realizing that she was only dreaming. She was dreaming about the guy whom she's been chatting w/via the internet although they never exchanged photos.

So later on she's talking to her friends about the guy and she can't really describe much about him (in terms of looks, career, the outward stuff) b/c they'd agreed not to talk about that b/c they didn't want to have preconceived notions before meeting.

Here is the catch...she is handicapped. She'd suffered some sort of spinal injury and couldn't walk w/o crutches. friends are helping her get dressed and dolled up for her first meeting w/ mystery man. We also catch glimpses of dude getting ready for their date but never his face! You could tell that he was dark skinned, well dressed, and tall, at the very least.

Later that evening she sits at the bar waiting for mystery man to show up. Her crutches are sort of tucked underneath the bar so he can't see them. He arrives and they seem to connect...he is indeed a handsome guy. They get to talking and she asks if he'd like a drink and he says later. Then he asks if she enjoyed dancing b/c of the way she was intently watching the dancers on the floor. Her eyes get really sad and she tells him that she used to be a dancer. They talk some more then he notices one of her crutches. He asks about her injury and she gives him a very short answer. She could see the shift in his body language after noticing the crutches. He then asks for a freaking double shot of cognac.

He asks her to talk about her "disability" and she quickly corrects him - "injury." She asks how he feels about disabled people and he replies that he doesn't feel one way or another - people are just people. She gets upset at his use of the term "handicap." He says that everyone has a handicap internal or external and calls her bitter. She calls him an asshole or something then walks to her car. That was the longest and most painful walk ever. She sits and cries in the car for a few minutes before hearing a tap on the window. There he stands...before he takes.off.his.leg and hops around. He says "I know." She laughs (and so did I ROFL). He was out in public hopping around w/ his faux leg in his hand! They kiss and laugh some more. The end. I loved it!

I saw two other shorts...they were about chicks who found out that their husbands were screwing dudes. *yawn* In one of them the husband thought he'd contracted HIV and given it to his wife. I dunno but I'm so sick of seeing/hearing about DL shit.

[Mis]Treat Me Right

2008-07-29T10:27:00.000-04:00

I remember dating this guy a couple of years ago. He was the first [and only] guy I ever considered seriously dating who had a child. Things worked out well until I realized that his wounds from his relationship w/ the mother were too fresh…neither of them had moved on emotionally. Based on some conversations w/ him I surmised that he wanted her back but she’d moved on to another guy…although she’d play her little mind games and he’d fall for it b/c he was still caught up. After that he was dead to me and I moved on.

A year or so later he randomly emails me on some "I was at such-in-such and thought I saw you." You thought you saw me [he didn't] but didn't speak yet felt the need to email me instead? In other words, he was in-between one of his serial monogamy-I’m-not-over-my-baby-mama distractions and was lonely.

I had just gotten out of a relationship and he asked “what happened?” Nothing "happened." He couldn’t understand how a relationship could end if neither party did the other wrong. *sigh* I told him that should be a GIVEN. Everybody isn’t dysfunctional! Anyway, I cut that communication short b/c we don’t have shit to talk about.

A relationship is not about not mistreating someone. It’s [in part] about wanting to be together and compatibility. It’s about making your significant other feel cared for. And the way you attempt to make them feel cared for has to match their perception of what being cared for means. You may be breaking your neck to do things to please your significant other that they don’t even notice b/c those things are not what matters to them. Meanwhile the things that matter most to your S.O. may be peanuts to you so you completely disregard. I think that’s partly where compatibility comes in. Your expectations and perceptions have to be complimentary. The things your S.O. values most have to be things that come naturally to you and vice versa. Otherwise one or both of you will be in a constant tug-of-war to get the other to bend. If you’re wise, you’ll let it go.

A Brotha Speaks Up

2008-07-28T21:06:00.000-04:00

My sentiments exactly.

[Stole this from Eknight]

No More Bad News

2008-07-28T00:31:00.000-04:00

Friends had been texting and emailing me since June to remind me to watch CNN's Black in America that aired last week. CNN themselves marketed the hell out of that shit. Naturally I thought, damn, this must be some real groundbreaking stuff they plan to explore. My thoughts still drifted back to...what could they possibly show that we don't already know? What do they hope to gain with this? Frankly, what is the point?

I succumbed to the advertising. I tuned in for a bit but lost interest. It just seemed like the same ole thing - quote some stats, talk about slavery, interview some baby mama about her deadbeat baby daddy who didn't do shit for the kid he had before he knocked her up - oh btw she's pregnant w/ twins for some other dude.

Am I wrong for wanting to see a happy ending? Am I wrong for not wanting to be reminded of slave/slave-owner ancestors, achievement gaps, crime, drop-out & oow birth rates? Am I wrong for not wanting to be presented w/ black success stories strictly as exceptions or afterthoughts? Better yet, not even present regular hard-working black folks as 'success' stories to begin with. Low expectations much?

Overall this program was extremely condescending. The same ole regurgitated statistics that are not an accurate picture of black America. It's sad that CNN is promoting the idea that you can look at a black person and KNOW their experiences simply b/c they are black. What's worse is that black people internalize the overstated negative stats and it affects how we interact w/ one another.

No Matter Where You Go There You Are

2008-07-25T08:00:00.000-04:00

I was only 9 or 10 when this was out but I remember loving the song.

When my brother was 9/10 (14 now) I remember flipping through his cd holder and finding this in his collection:

I took it from him b/c I also had the cd (shhhh) and felt that it's NOTHING that a 10 year old should be listening to. Meanwhile, look @ what I was listening to at 10 SMH. At least Uptown Anthem was on the Juice soundtrack so it was within the context of the movie (not that I knew that @ 10, lol)...but still.

I guess the older generation really does always believe that the current one is sooo much worse.

STFU

2008-07-24T08:00:00.000-04:00

I don't understand why a grown azz, educated, and seemingly non-ignorant person would choose not to vote. The guy I had this conversation with doesn't plan to vote in November b/c:

the system's rigged anyway
Obama doesn't stand a chance in hell
I voted in the last two elections and Bush STILL won so it doesn't matter

Illogical, petty, short-sighted, idiot. That's what ran through my mind. So there's no point in voting b/c of the possibility that your chosen candidate could lose?

I remember the shadiness that surrounded the last two elections. But I also know that Bush still had MANY supporters so I don't believe for a second that he only won the presidency by use of unlawful tactics. Based on his track record from his first presidency alone he should have been totally blown out of the water - the votes should've been nowhere near close during the reelection race.

At any rate why do people think they're making a statement by NOT voting? And why do they act like casting a vote is akin to pulling teeth? Voting is free! Is it taking that much out of you to go and push a damn button? Ooooh that annoys me so much!

Lesson Learned

2008-07-23T08:00:00.000-04:00

I always thought that if there was anything that someone felt they were lacking, they'd do all they could to try and change it. Or if there's something out there that they wanted, they'd begin taking steps to get it. In my mind, if they aren't doing those things then it must be that they don't know how to go about it and just need someone/something to point them in the right direction, or to get them to think differently about their situation(s). I think that I've finally learned that that just isn't the case with everyone. Some people know full well that they're coming up short but don't want to do anything about it. In other cases they have no idea that they're a train wreck in the making, and there's nothing that anybody can say or do to make them see it. But for the most part, it's naive to think that they don't KNOW they're coming up short. If you're not careful, they'll have your 'helpful' ass all twisted up, fully deflecting their insecurities right back atcha.

Breathe

2008-07-21T22:00:00.000-04:00

I got my hair cut (sorry no pics @ the moment) 2 weeks ago. I got a blunt cut - a bob a la Rihanna. Some of you prolly remember that it was just past my shoulders. Now the front stops @ my chin and the back stops @ the nape of my neck. It's really cute and so much easier to deal with since I've been working out regularly lately (except last week - bad!). A couple of chicks I know acted like I committed a crime by cutting my hair...like it won't grow back or something :-/ Sometimes you just really need a change!

I feel like I've experienced a lot of clarity as it relates to my relationships w/ friends/family and past dealings w/ men recently. I basically 'purged' my mind/heart - one night I opened up Microsoft Word and just typed (didn't feel like writing in my journal). It ended up being 3 full single spaced pages long which is a LOT for me to ramble b/c I ain't the long-winded type.

There have been so many times that I sat and rehashed every not-so-good situation that didn't work out w/ a guy and came to no final resolution in my mind. So every so often these unresolved things would be swirling around in my head again and honestly it would hurt. I ended my 'purge' w/ "I swear that tomorrow begins a new day. Perhaps it was good to get all this shit written down somewhere…to purge my thoughts so they can get out of my head and off my spirit." Basically the rule is that I'm not allowed to think about or rehash a damn thing...it's resolved and I'm moving forward.

Regarding the chick I wrote about a couple of posts ago, I've just been keeping my distance. We still talk and hang once in a while but I've realized that she is who she is and keep it real basic w/ her.

*You're about to see a lot more posting on this here blog*

So?

2008-07-20T16:24:00.000-04:00

Him: "I'm about fashion, fun, and stocks. All I wear is Polo and Puma."

Me: *blank stare*

I'm not a man but if I were I'm SURE I wouldn't be that corny! And while I don't claim to be up on men's fashion, who the hell wears Puma (clothing not sneakers)???

It's Not You It's Me

2008-06-17T23:19:00.000-04:00

I went to my little brother's 8th grade graduation this evening. The same middle school my sister attended, I attended, hell, even my mom attended. He made me soooo proud - he was fourth in his class in terms of grades and statewide test scores, and number one amongst the male students :)

I have this friend that I've known since college that I really care about. We actually got closer in our friendship the last year of college and when we both moved back to Philly after graduating. At first she was more someone I partied with but as time went on we became good friends.

Over the past three years or so things have happened, and now I sit here and ask myself what we have in common. We had a conversation the other day and it just reminded me how far apart our worlds are in terms of values, expectations, opinions, etc. It's gotten to the point where talking to her brings me down instead of up. She got mad issues and she's not supportive of me as a friend so really, why do I bother?

She didn't really do anything shady to me; she's just being...her. And I just can't take it anymore. The last time I "broke up" with a friend was in college but it was pretty easy b/c she did some shady sh!t. I just quit talking to her. Not that we weren't roommates in this campus suite we lived in. Despite that, I didn't say a word to that heffa the last 4 months we lived together or thereafter. I'd like to think I'm more mature than that now and that a peaceful conversation is required to "break it off." A part of me just wants to just fade to black though...

You Are Not a Good Person

2008-06-12T22:45:00.000-04:00

Some people speak & behave like they’re bitter…but they’re not bitter.
Some men consistently say the most misogynistic things…but they’re not misogynists.
Some people are unreliable and lie all the time…but they’re reliable and aren’t liars.
Some white people consistently say racist things…but they’re not racist.
Some women are consistently evil, bitchy, and keep drama going…but they’re not evil bitch-assed drama queens.

When did it become standard that one can consistently embody 98% of the characteristics of a given type yet somehow manage to not be a ________?

If you act like an asshole then you’re an asshole. Period. Either stop being an asshole or own it.

I guess us humans need to believe that despite it all, we’re good people. Screw that...everybody ain’t good people.

What's Good?

2008-06-11T00:29:00.000-04:00

I miss blogging. I've had plenty to say (who doesn't?) but didn't necessarily want to say it here. I like sharing but sometimes don't want to hear "it'll be okay" or solutions or advice. It's natural for people to offer those things when you blog about certain topics, which I understand.

On the job front things have been going pretty well. This is month three and I must say it's been challenging but that's a good thing. I wanted to get into the accounting field despite not having much of an accounting background and somehow I convinced those folks to hire me lol. Well I would say it's 60% accounting/40% grants administration -- I did have the grants experience.

Me being me I already have my sights set on the next level position I want in another dept. that I'll be going for in another year or so ;-)

Family wise things are good. My mom will be back from Iraq this week for good! I still haven't heard from my "dad" ever again. My stepdad, whom I used call "Mr. Dad" -but have since dropped the "Mr."- is the only person I'll be shopping for this Father's Day as it's always been. But sometimes when people ask how many siblings I have I stumble before answering "2." So yeah, it still bothers me.

I don't understand those single moms who vow never to date or marry again after splitting from their childrens' father. Especially in situations where the bio dad isn't there. Stepfathers can truly be a blessing! Ever since my stepdad and Mom got together he's been there for me. Even though they're divorced he still is - which means so much to me.

Dating has been very blah these days. I just haven't met anyone lately that I felt excited about for longer than 3 weeks. I want more bang for my buck, so to speak. I want the absolute best guy I can get as much as I'd want the best car I could get for the lowest price compared to everything else on the market. Hope that makes sense LOL!

For Some Odd Reason...

2008-03-29T16:26:00.000-04:00

This song popped in my head and I just HAD to look for it on YouTube LOL

I wonder what ever happened to them?

My Hair Nightmare

2008-03-25T21:34:00.000-04:00

Coworker: Is it braided?
Me: Is what braided?
Coworker: Your hair underneath...or is it glued in?
Me: ROFL!! This my real hair!

I took it as a compliment. A year and a half ago I got the bright idea to get my hair dyed. My stylist tried to talk me out of it but I'm stubborn as hell so that didn't work. She suggested that we just do the top section and if my hair could take it then we'd do the rest and I agreed.

(image removed)

Cute right? After a few weeks I decided to relax my own hair instead of going to the salon. No biggie right? I've had my hair colored several times in the past, and did my own relaxers all through highschool/college with no problems. Well as I was washing the perm out my hair was coming out in CHUNKS. I was TERRIFIED and I think I even cried. See that pic above? Just about everywhere that you see color was about one inch long. It was bad, but it was somewhat manageable at first. Surely enough each time I washed my hair for months after that more of the colored part was falling out! At that point I was so happy I didn't get my whole head dyed b/c my stylist was able to work with it and curl it certain ways to make it look presentable. Don't get me wrong, it was still a mess and I wore wigs/pieces to camaflouge the damage (I don't have any pics of the breakage):

Exhibit B

(image removed)

But you can't wear wigs and crap all the time and expect your hair to grow & be healthy so I still went to the salon for my 6 week relaxer/trim. She'd curl it and it'd look ok and I'd get a lot of compliments but I was self-conscious as ever about my broken hair. My stylist SWEARS by Nioxin products and that's what she'd been using on my hair to get it to grow back. After a year and a half my hair looks good again :)

(image removed)

I was more attached to my hair than I thought. No more dye for me!

Deuces

2008-03-14T12:06:00.000-04:00

Within the past two weeks I applied for a job at a local university, interviewed, and gave my employer notice of my resignation. Just like that – which surprised the heck outta me.

Things I’m looking forward to:

Not dealing with a miserable, manipulative, power-tripping, morbidly obese white woman on a daily basis

NOT being in a position that turned into something I did NOT sign up for

More flexible work schedule

Doing more interesting [to me] work

NOT being a contractor

Incredible benefits

Can you say…free graduate degree!

Shorter commute

Things I’ll miss:

My fellow contractor team & managers

Most of the client staff I worked with

Working in Center City

In all likelihood I’ll still leave my car at home and hop on the train which means I still get free entertainment (i.e. the two transsexuals sashaying onto the El this morning) , save $$$ on gas ($3.15/gallon!!!) and parking, of course.

On an unrelated note, I can’t say for sure what’s going to happen with this blog. I may go private or just quit blogging altogether. We’ll see.

Yeah, This Will Be Random

2008-02-15T10:43:00.000-05:00

On V-Day

I had a lovely Valentine's Day. My mom treated my sister, brother, and I to dinner. We exchanged cards and spent the evening laughing at my goofy brother. Good times. One of my friends told me that she doesn’t believe in giving/receiving gifts for Valentine’s Day. I told her I was happy to hear that b/c I could remove her from my Christmas list and save some money LOL. I mean, if you’re against consumerist holiday spending BE against consumerist holiday spending – why single out Valentine’s Day?

No, I’m not dating anyone at the moment. But that was true last week, and the week before so Valentine’s Day didn’t magically make me upset about it, lol.

On Dating

Thank God for the telephone. Seriously. When I meet a guy I prefer to talk to him on the phone several times before we actually go on a date. If you just talk and try to get to know someone you may find out rather quickly that they aren’t your cup of tea before getting dolled up to waste your evening w/ an arrogant jackass.

On Fatherhood

Ideally a child deserves to have a father who is there for them. But when that doesn’t happen I think it’s better to have a father who is totally absent than one who consistently disappoints and is barely there. With the former you have no expectations of him b/c he never gave you any reason to. The later just pisses you off. I thought about my father sometimes growing up, but didn’t much deal w/ the emotional ups & downs b/c I never had reason to think that he’d call or come knocking at my door.

I guess I’m glad to have met him and have some specific information about him. But at the same time I’m deeply disappointed that he would pop up with no intention of doing right by me or owning up to his mistakes. I told him earlier this week that he spent my whole life dodging his responsibility and now he has to acknowledge that he made a mistake (i.e. by telling his wife that he’s back in contact w/ me, and letting me meet my half-siblings). If not, he should go on with business as usual and not contact me, period. He told me that he understood my feelings but that his wife is so ‘jealous, crazy, and can’t handle it.’ I told him that I’ve been ‘handling’ it my entire life so what now? She can’t handle him contacting his own daughter that she knew he had before they even met – a daughter that she even met long, long ago.

Oh but he’s leaving her soon “when he gets his money right.” *eyeroll* I haven’t heard from him since that day. I got the feeling that he was totally insincere and now it’s confirmed. He should’ve never contacted me and just left things as they were b/c I surely wasn’t looking for his dusty ass.

On Money

Lately I’ve been giving a lot of thought to my expenses to net pay ratio. The idea is to keep housing, transportation, food, etc. costs within a certain percentage of your take-home pay. That way, as your income increases you can gauge what parts of your budget you can comfortably increase w/o stretching yourself.

Some guy I used to talk to was telling me about his friend who bought a 90k car – his thought was that said friend could afford a 90k car loan stretched out for 5 yrs b/c his salary is about 90k. Hmmm if your car payment is eating up 30-40% of your monthly pay before you even account for insurance, gas, and routine maintenance, then no, you can’t afford it. Thinking of the percentages is just a way to sort of keep myself in check. I don’t make anything close to 90k but I know that if my car payment alone was 30% of my current pay I’d be in trouble. It currently falls around 12% but when I add gas, insurance, & maintenance (an avg) it falls around 18% which I think is still pushing it. I can’t WAIT until that car is paid off!

My rent is about 30% of my take home which, again, may be pushing it. That includes utilities so I don’t feel too bad. However, I know that I need to keep my current housing costs about the same through my next pay increase (either by way of a raise or a new gig) in order to get/keep that percentage lower. My goal is to keep my fixed expenses as low as I can comfortably bear to free up money for aggressive savings, debt payoff, buying a home, and just plain old freedom.

Pleased to Meet You Pt. II

2008-02-10T19:50:00.000-05:00

The plan was to meet at 12p at the McDonald's in the Amtrak Station. Unfortunately I'm one of those people who's always running around at the last minute trying to get out the door 15 mins before I have to be somewhere that requires a 20 min drive; today was no exception. Between traffic, and one-way streets forcing me to drive around the block twice, I was a few minutes late.

As I was walking toward the McDonald's entrance I immediately recognized his face which surprised me. I smiled nervously so I don't know if he recognized my face or my expression gave me away. People always tell me that I wear my emotions on my face. He gave me a bouquet of roses, a hug, and we got up and walked over to the train waiting area where we could sit and talk. Mom was right -- I see the resemblance. We have the same complexion, cheeks...and those lips! THATS definitely where I got them.

The first thing he did was apologize. He told me that his wife was part of the problem -- she didn't want him to handle his responsibility concerning me b/c she didn't trust him not to get back with my mother. He also told me that he's regretted his decision not to man-up for years. When I asked why he hadn't contacted me years ago, he just hung his head.

I don't think that I was mentally/emotionally prepared for this meeting. Maybe there's really no way to prepare. But it's one thing to speculate why an absentee father chooses to shirk his responsibility, but to hear it from the horse's mouth makes it that much worse. I always knew in my heart that he just decided to move on with his life and have another family. Yesterday it was confirmed. He and his wife of 15 years have five children ranging from ages 15-23 -- four daughters and a son. He mentioned that if one could put his youngest daughter and myself side-by-side, you'd definitely know that we are sisters. I think that was my emotional tipping point. I don't even know these people. I asked if his wife/children knew that he was meeting me and the answer was no. He said that he wants them to meet me so his wife is just going to have to deal with it soon enough. What I heard was, I'm STILL not publicly claiming you as my daughter. You are The Reject -- I already have a family.

I just took it all in and have been mulling it over for the past 24+ hours. I'm not going to lie, it hurts like hell. Now that I've made sense of things, I'm going to call him tomorrow and let him know what's on my mind. If you want to make things right you can't half-step -- anymore. REALLY man-up or lose my number and get the hell on.

I'm disappointed. What kind of man bends to an insecure woman or even ADMITS to that sh!t? *sigh* I don't know what the f&ck I expected from this. I wish there was some eloquent way for me to say what I'm feeling.

It is what it is, I suppose.

I Admire

2008-02-08T09:11:00.000-05:00

Those who can empathize with another person's pain or misfortune w/o saying "get over it" or "I've been through x, y, z which is FAR worse."
People with the heart & mind to forgive even those who haven't asked for forgiveness.
The ability to sometimes just let things go; from being cut off in traffic to outright betrayed.
Those who make their point succinctly and just move on w/o needing to argue.
The ability to focus on the positive 90 percent of the time.
People who truly forgive vs. those who rehash misdeeds every time they get mad at the misdeed doer.
Those who decide that they want something and pursue it w/o giving a second thought to whether or not they are capable b/c it's given.

I've mastered numbers 1-4 & 6, but am fighting w/ 5 & 7 -- although I'd say that it's a fight I'm starting to win.

In other news, Mom is going to be home in a day or so, for the next couple of weeks!

Pleased to Meet You Pt. I

2008-02-01T23:03:00.000-05:00

"This is your father. I need to talk to you about some things, and apologize for not being there. Call me as soon as you get this message at ##########."

*Hangs up phone*
*Picks it back up and stares at it*

Wow. After 20-some odd years he finally picks up the phone and contacts me. See this post for back story.

So I called him back. We had a very brief, awkward conversation. He rattled off an apology and told me that he'd like to meet me. He called again two days later to confirm -- we're meeting at a McDonald's that's sort of central to where we both live (assuming that he still lives in the area I last heard he lived) next week. It would've been nice if he would've offered me a nice dinner, you know, after being m.i.a. for the past 20-something years.

I just have a mixture of emotions right now. Anger, curiosity, frustration, relief, hurt. I think I've grown beyond attributing every shortcoming or not-so-positive attribute to my parents. I don't believe that my life would've been 'better' if he was in it. Any excuse or reasoning that he could come up with will be bullshit -- and that's not what I'm looking for anyway. I want to know which, if any, personality traits I inherited from him? Do I really look as much like him as people have always told me? What are my half-siblings like? Do I have any nieces/nephews? How are cousins Mel, Kim, Donnie, and Damien? God, I haven't seen them since I was in elementary school. I have far more memories of them than him.

My mom hopes that we can have some sort of relationship. Right now I have to say that that's doubtful.

"This is your father."

It just doesn't sound right.

Clubbing, Dating, etc.

2008-01-27T14:40:00.000-05:00

Last night my friend Leah invited me to a birthday party that her friend she knows from high school had thrown. It was a club that I'd sort of heard of but had never been. At first we were thinking that there were just too many women up in there. But I forgot that men always come to clubs all late. Anyway, my other friend Ree came too and as usual when we go out, we always run into her cousin Lem. It turns out one of his friends was having a bday party there too. This cousin and his friends are dudes that grew up in my old hood and they're the type to be screwing 3 girls at the same time, and invite ALL 3 of them to the same party they're at. Just grimy. So we're getting dirty looks from chicks when we're just cool w/ these guys through Lem LOL.

Anyway, it was fun for a while, we danced, drank a bit, and laughed at women in their club uniforms. What is it about the club that makes women think that they have to find the trashiest and tightest clothes to put on just b/c they're going to the club? If you've recently had a baby and you have the belly to show for it, WHY are you wearing a skin-tight 85% spandex dress??? Why are you wearing shorts with your ass cheeks hanging out when it's 30 degrees in January??? You could put on a cute shirt w/ a cute skirt (not a micro mini) or jeans (that aren't skin tight giving you that muffin top/back fat effect) w/ pretty accessories and banging stilettos and look 10x better.

It was pretty fun until it got too crowded. I hate clubs that don't have some sort of standard where they'll stop letting people in. When it gets to the point that I can't move an inch w/o bumping into someone, it's past time to go.

This morning I got a call from this guy that I met last week at a networking event. We spoke on the phone once before and he mentioned something about coming to see me. I told him that I don't make or receive house calls from strangers. He started rambling about how he's not cheap and that I must admit that sometimes women will go on a date w/ a guy they aren't interested in. I told him that I thought that a guy would, you know, talk to the woman and get a feel for whether or not there's any interest and take it from there. This mofo is 33 yrs old and we just shouldn't have been having this conversation. He seemed to get the point but I didn't hear from him all week which was okay with me. I get that 'come see you' question a lot from guys that I've only spoken to once or twice and dammit I don't know them dudes like that. I always respond with, "well, what do you have in mind?" So yeah, he called me this morning w/ the same ish and when I asked what he had in mind he said he was 'open to whatever.' Um, huh? I told him to call me later but I will not be answering that damn phone. If he doesn't get the hint and calls again, I'll let him know that I [channeling S23] don't entertain foolishness and have a good night.

When I was in college guys on my campus did not like paying for dates (which is why I didn't fool with their asses). At first I thought it was b/c they were broke but hell, there was so much free/discounted stuff going on in/around campus that that's no excuse. Disclaimer: they weren't ALL like that, but most. I'm seeing the same thing w/ so-called educated, grown ass men w/ careers. WTH? It's not just me b/c I'm hearing the same stories from coworkers, friends, acquaintances. I guess many haven't changed from their college days.

I just have to remind myself that the last 2 guys I dated were not like that despite the jerkfaces I've met lately. It's better to move on quickly than to get frustrated. I used to think that when a guy came to me with some b.s., all I had to do was let him know that I wasn't having it and he'd either adjust accordingly, or move on to the next. But why even give him the opportunity to 'adjust?' If he's full of shit, then that's what he'll be 3 mos from now after he puts his 'representative' away.

Just a Thought

2008-01-14T19:57:00.000-05:00

I've always thought that there's nobody walking this earth who knows me better than I know me. Nobody could fix their face to tell me about myself and have me shocked. But now I'm thinking that knowing me and understanding me are two totally separate things.

Random Thoughts

2008-01-10T10:22:00.000-05:00

- The two party system needs to be eliminated – now.

- This will be the 3rd election that I’ve been old enough to vote in

- I just got a raise (cha-ching)

- My coworker is upset b/c I mentioned how old my mom is. It depressed her to find that she’s old enough to have a child my age. Did I mention that she hangs out at the same places I do?

- My brother tends to get mostly A’s while my sister thinks that if she manages not to get an F, she’s done well. But I still have high hopes for her.

- People give nurture too much credit. Sometimes people are just who they are despite upbringing

- Parking Wars is my new favorite reality show! To quote some guy whose car got towed: “The parking authority is the Gestapo!”

- I found a cute pair of shoes for $13.99 @ Ross yesterday.

- I love city living. I’ve toyed w/ the idea of moving down south but honestly, I love being able to hop on a train to get where I need to go quickly. I like having everything I need close by. I like not having to drive EVERYWHERE. Philly is one of the few big cities left where housing is still affordable.

- My stepdad’s new gf is ugly (I’m sorry)

- I feel pretty damn good today

- My lip gloss is poppin’

- Sometimes I waver when challenged - just realized that about 2-3 weeks ago. Knowing is the first step…

- I miss my mommy (she’s still serving in Iraq). The good news is that she’ll be home for a bit in February. The bad news is that she’ll be staying w/ me for WEEKS b/c I convinced her to give up her apartment in favor of putting her former rent checks into a savings account for a home down payment.

- I got some great constructive criticism from my boss. It feels good to have clearly defined goals & expectations.

You Can't Be Serious!

2007-12-30T02:51:00.000-05:00

So I went out tonite for margaritas w/ my friend Lori. After finishing off a "big azz margarita" I look up and see a familar face passing by me. It was this FOOL. I seem to run into this dude like every 3 months like clockwork-- I actually randomly saw him twice since the last time I wrote about it. Lori didn't know the history so I told her what happened and we laughed about it. Don't you know this mofo sits at the table next to ours as asks to borrow a napkin? The margarita made me ask, "borrow a napkin? does that mean you're going to pay us back with napkins?" Lori hands him the napkin and he says that she must be the nice one. I said, "yeah she's the nice one. But she isn't single. And by single I mean SINGLE, not FAKE single like some people." The nerve of that dumbass to come and sit next to me and then ask for a napkin. I'm so sorry that he's someone's parent.

We left there then went to another spot and ran into this Haitian guy that I exchanged numbers and talked to on the phone once. When I met him I was with Lori at this very same spot the first time. Anyway, he was whining about how women don't appreciate a good man and all that b.s. But I remember the first time he called me he said something to the effect of, "when can I come see you?" Any guy that comes at me like he wants to chill at my house instead of a date is not a man to me and gets the boot which is what happened to him. Tonight he had the nerve to tell me that we were supposed to go out and that he got a new phone and doesn't have my number any more. Meanwhile I still can't remember his freaking name. He still looks good though LOL. Then he tells me to make sure I find him and get his number before I leave. I told him that there's no way in hell I'm walking around looking for him to ask for his number before I leave b/c I refuse to chase him or any man. Clearly his ass is single for a reason. Not to mention his breath. That mofo needs to start flossing or start brushing his tongue or something, damn.

I got home about 30 mins ago and get a text that read: "hey stranger, feel like some company?" It came from a number that I didn't recognize at first but I realized that it was some guy that I dated off & on when I was in college that I chat with from time to time. This mofo randomly texts me asking if I want company. I wrote back: "company? YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS. "I haven't spoken to him since June or something, I could've been dead for all he knew!

Unfortunately I'm single again but I'm not feeling the dating thing right now AT ALL. I sure did have a good time drinking and laughing at these suckas though, ha!

I Should Be in Bed!

2007-12-24T01:55:00.000-05:00

I was looking for an email that I'd recently sent to my mom in my Yahoo email account and noticed that I had nearly 700 msgs in my sent folder. I stopped using my Yahoo mail account 2-3 yrs ago when I switched over to Gmail. I only check that account b/c even after telling her at least 3x, my mom STILL sends me email there LOL.

As I was flipping back to emails from 2004-2005 I saw some interesting stuff. I'd cleared out my inbox long ago but sent mail can be just as juicy sometimes. It took me back to 2004 when I met this guy that I thought was sooo great but slept w/ him before I could REALLY make a good assessment of the type of dude he was. Man I was so hurt by how funny he acted after that encounter. Some guys get so much joy out of being players but fail to realize the stains they leave behind in the hearts/minds of the women they stomp on.

Then there were the emails b/t me and this guy who tried so hard to make himself seem so sincere. He wrote about how his last girl did him wrong and how he just doesn't want to play games anymore. By my responses to his emails I ate that shit up at first. But really he was an asshole. He was a bouncer at some bar and asked me to meet him there for drinks one night. After a while I realized that he had another woman meeting him there as well but he tried to play it off by splitting his time b/t us under the guise of 'working.' SMH

I read another set of emails b/t this one guy and myself which was just sort of romantic banter, nothing juicy. I remember that after a coulple months of dating he started flaking on me so I had to ask him what was up. Unfortunately he had no balls and wouldn't tell me much over the phone...instead he sent me an email telling me that some chick 'might' be moving back to Philly from the west coast so he didn't want to get too serious w/ me b/c he 'might' want to see what's up with her if she moves to town. Oh but he wanted to continue dating of course, b/c ole girl was cool with that. I wasn't having that but my ego was crushed man!

*Laughs @ my 22-23 y/o self*

I'm in a new relationship and I truly believe that if things didn't work out I wouldn't look back at our emails and be reminded of hurt feelings and such.

Merry Christmas :)

Unsure

2007-11-30T11:23:00.000-05:00

How do you know the difference b/t needing to change things in your life vs. being thankful and accepting what you have?

Jesus Take the Wheel

2007-11-28T21:59:00.000-05:00

"Who I'd like to meet:
A nice guy between the ages of 38-46 who is single and likes to have a good time."

Where: Myspace.com

Written By : My MOTHER (who is 47 btw)

I'm Not a Player I Just Date a Lot

2007-11-06T09:52:00.000-05:00

I mentioned before that I have a part-time gig at a bookstore on the side. Well, I typically work there 3 nights/week in the little coffee shop inside the store. At least once a week this guy comes in, sometimes alone, sometimes with a woman. Not always the same woman...lol. One night I was working with this girl whom I'll call Nisa (we rarely work the same shift) and she's all like, "did you notice that guy who comes in here with different girls all the time?" I immediately knew who she was talking about b/c he's a cutie (albeit young -- 21-ish) and he's always a little flirty when he comes in. Nothing major but I noticed.

Nisa wonders how he can bring different women to the same coffee shop and they not know about one another. Easy! It's not like you're going to stake out some place just b/c some guy takes you there...unless you're coo coo. And who's to say that any of those women are his girlfriend(s)? It looks to me like they're just having pre/post date coffees! Poor Nisa is 20 and thinks that a date means something. I tried to explain to her that a date is just a way to feel somebody out, not a promise of committment. It's perfectly normal to go on a date with somebody one day, and somebody else the next. Just be glad you're a woman and don't have to pay!

A Snapshot of My Commute

2007-10-25T09:36:00.000-04:00

I found this snippet of a train ride -- the same train & route I take daily to/from work. The view from the train is actually better than the video but it's still a pretty cool vid. You can catch a glimpse of the construction that's being done to rebuild the 100 year old track structure & station stops.

Gut Punch

2007-10-22T18:58:00.000-04:00

Imagine meeting someone, in a club of all places, and being totally infatuated with them immediately. You've always imagined yourself with a mature, Talib Kweli rocking, handsome dude who immediately takes to your best qualities. It's like he SEES you ALREADY in ways that guys you've known for months have never even come close -- in just a couple of hours. Imagine really vibing with him all night thinking that you just met this great single guy.

After a while you realize that after all of his compliments, conversation, and dancing that he hasn't yet asked for your phone number, and you didn't exactly inquire about his status other than to ask, "how are the ladies treating you" to which he replies, "badly!" So this is the point where you decide to ask if he's single which causes him to sigh heavily, apologize, and tell you he's MARRIED.

I don't expect to meet anybody worthwhile in a bar or club but, DAMN.

He told me that he didn't want to tell me, but he thought I was so great and blah blah blah and he didn't want to be [any more!] deceitful. OUCH! But he still wants to call me so we can be 'friends' of course -- psssshhhhht AS IF!

I've been infatuated with 3 men in my entire life (Mr. Married is included in that total), in one of those cases I think it may have even been love...on my end at least. I'm not someone who falls easily at all -- never have been. But for whatever reason I felt INTENSE Like for those three guys right away. But all three of them were deceitful. I don't ever like anybody and the ones I do really like end up being deceitful, ugh.

As far as I can tell, it seems that the guys have some outward characteristics that I like but don't see very often in the average dude. The problem is, I seem to take that and RUN with it before I really LOOK at the man & situation I'm dealing with.

I need to stop that shit.

Game Over

2007-10-19T10:47:00.000-04:00

*2nd post for today*

I have two girlfriends in relationship comas. Actually more than two but I’m only blogging about two today. One of them went through her man’s emails/texts/phone bills to find ‘stuff’ and of course she found EXACTLY what she was looking for. And then some. She broke up with him, went through the blah blah blah but kept dealing with him on some, ‘well I’ll just keep him around and see other people too.’ My other friend actually lived with her man for a while but moved out because it just wasn’t working. In both cases they went from being in exclusive relationships with these guys to dating them. Dating = casual, no commitment, no accountability. Backwards.

Dating is for getting to know someone, feeling them out, and seeing if there’s a match (if you’re like me), or just casually enjoying someone’s company in the meantime (assuming the two of you are on the same page with that). It’s not for people who used to be committed. It’s not for people who have feelings for the person with whom they were previously committed to try and gain leverage in a situation where they have none. Especially when, in the case of these two friends, they want commitments from these guys (and both believe the guys will 'change') that they aren’t going to get. Ever. It leads to even MORE hurt feelings, drama, and just delays the inevitable.

Pull the plug on that 'relationship' because when your feelings are involved it’s a game you can’t win.

Summed Up Quite Nicely

2007-10-19T08:57:00.000-04:00

I’ve been to many churches
I’ve quoted many verses
I’ve dealt with my base self
I controlled my many urges
I used to study my lessons
It was a blessing not a curse
I learned that Heaven and Hell exist right here on Earth, word
Studied with Rastafarians and learned from the dreads that Hell is called Babylon
And that’s where them crazy boarheads dwell
They got us thinking that Muslims like to make bombs

But real Muslims believe in paradise and the resist the Shaitan
So it all sound the same to me
That’s why when they say one is right and the other is wrong it just sound like game to me
It’s like God skipped past the church and came to me
No that ain’t vain to me
It’s just a particular way that I came to see
The difference between those who claim to be Religious and those that say they spiritual
And recognizing that life is full of miracles

"Give 'Em Hell"

- Talib Kweli

Don't Say I Never Gave You Anything

2007-10-16T14:41:00.000-04:00

I'm in my cubicle JAMMING to the New Jack Swing station on Launchcast: http://music.yahoo.com/lc/?rt=1&rp1=39469085

Makes the day go that much more smoothly :)

She's Alive!

2007-10-10T20:39:00.000-04:00

Sitting Still

No more Strep Throat, frequent coughing (Strep Throat + a cold = lethal combination), and my voice is back. I worked @ the bookstore Saturday night, traveled to the DC area on Sunday, had training all day Monday, traveled back home that night, and worked at the bookstore last night. I was supposed to attend an "MBA for an Evening" event tonight but ended up working late at my real job and didn't make it. So, now I'm just sitting here with a glass of wine, catching up on America's Next Top Model. Last season was so snooze-worthy that I didn't bother watching it this season until now -- only b/c I heard it's good.

$40 Dollars???

On Sunday night I met up w/ one of my best friends from college and some other girl she knows that I now realize I'm not too fond of down in DC. We called ourselves going to K Street Lounge -- it was free before 12 and free is right up my alley. We get in line at 11:10pm and the line just didn't move at all!! 12am arrived and our asses were still standing in line for NO good reason. They do that ish in Atlanta too and it annoys me to no end. You stand in line for an hour, get inside and there's NOBODY in there. Ugh. In Philly you're either inside or you're not...they don't do that line holding crap. Anyway, we finally get to the door and dude said it was $40 for women and $60 for men. Me? Pay $40 to get into a lounge? A LOUNGE? Hellz no!

[ANTM sidenote: The girls are actually pretty and look like models this season unlike those gremlins from last season. Wow.]

So my girl suggests that we walk down the street to Lima instead. We get there and there was virtually no line but the guy at the door was obviously trying to 'come up.' It was so obvious that he was cutting deals and charging different prices for different people at the door. He probably wasn't supposed to be charging at all SMH. Again, this is another lounge and dude wanted us to pay $20. How about no? That place couldn't have been bigger than my apartment, let's be real here. By that time I wished I'd taken my ass to bed instead of trying to hang out knowing I had to get up early for training. We ended up going to some place in Dupont circle that sucked so we finally went home.

[ANTM sidenote: I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY JUST SHAVED THAT GIRL'S HEAD! They are trippin.']

Snatching off the Bandaid

I've decided that I'm going to be sitting in somebody's classroom next fall pursuing an MBA. That doesn't mean that I've registered to take the GMAT, started any applications, or anything productive like that yet.

[ANTM sidenote: Any contestant trying out for this show oughta know by now that there's ALWAYS a nude shot and you prolly gotta get your hair cut when they do the makeovers. Cut the dramatics, please.]

At any rate, I've stopped fighting it (I REALLY don't wanna go back to school) b/c it's necessary and although it'll be painful for a bit, I'll be much better off in the long run. It's going to have to be part-time though b/c I ain't going back to broke[r].